CAPSLOCK DGM SUMMARIES
by Pensulliwen
Summary: Due to the epic amount of crack in the latest chapters, I am doing capslocky summaries for the uninformed/people too sane to see what I see on their own. Much capslock and crack follows, but ALL OF IT IS TRUE. Hoshino is a troll.
1. Chapter 188

CHAPTER 188

_HEY THERE. SO I WAS REREADING THE LATEST CHAPTERS (AFTER REALIZING THAT I HAD NO IDEA WTF HAD JUST HAPPENED, I'M KIND OF IN A DAZE), AND I REALIZED THAT THE CRACK REALLY DIDN'T START IN 189. WELL IT PROBABLY STARTED SOMEWHERE AROUND CHAPTER 1 IF WE'RE BEING COMPLETELY HONEST, BUT I THINK THAT 188 REALLY FALLS UNDER THE "WHAT MEDS IS HOSHINO TAKING?" CATEGORY. SO AS WE WAIT FOR THE END OF THIS RAPE-TASTIC FLASHBACK, LET US TAKE A TRIP BACK IN TIME; BEFORE CHIBI!KANDA, BEFORE SHOTACON, EVEN BEFORE ROAD GOT HER JAILBAIT MOLESTING ON. SURPRISINGLY, IT STILL DID NOT MAKE ANY MORE SENSE._

SO WE OPEN WITH JOHNNY EXPLAINING THE PLOT ON A PRETTYFUL COLOR PAGE. THEN THERE'S A GORGEOUS TWO-PAGE SPREAD (WITH LENALEE **COME TO ME MY DARLING**) AND KANDA RANDOMLY HAS NEON BLUE HAIR. OKAY, NOTHING TOO CRACKY SO FAR. WE HAVE A PAGE EXPLAINING WHO EVERYONE IS (OH LULZ, LAVI AND LENALEE AREN'T EVEN ON IT. THEY ARE NOW BELLOW THE NOAH WHO HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A SINGLE LINE YET), AND THEN WE GET TO WISELY MINDRAPING THE SHIT OUT OF KANDA. HIS HAIR RIBBON BREAKS AND EVERYTHING, IT LOOKS VERY TRAUMATIC. AND NOW BACK TO JOHNNY, BECAUSE I GUESS HE'S THE MAIN CHARACTER NOW.

CAMPY SCIENTISTS: *ARE CAMP*

REEVER: HEY JOHNNY, LOOK AT THIS.

JOHNNY: IT'S THE UNCONSCIOUS BODY OF A TEENAGER WHO HAS BEEN MUTILATED IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE.

REEVER: YES. LET'S POKE IT WITH A STICK.

TEXT BLURB: SPOILER ALERT, THEY ARE TOTALLY ABOUT TO GET ATTACKED BY NOAH.

JOHNNY: WAIT WHA-

RENEE: NEVER MIND THE FORESHADOWING, I AM FINALLY ABOUT TO GET SOME LINES SO LISTEN UP. THIS IS ALMA KARMA, HE IS HERE BECAUSE KANDA'S LIFE IS NOT YET MISERABLE ENOUGH.

CAMPY SCIENTISTS: *TAKE NOTES*

RENEE: TECHNOBABLE AKUMA TECHNOBABLE THIRD EXORCISTS TECHNOBABLE TECHNOBABLE.

JOHNNY: AM I REALLY THE ONLY ONE DISTURBED BY THE FACT THAT THEY ARE USING THE BODY OF A HALF-DEAD TEENAGE BOY TO HARVEST AN AKUMA-BASED FIGHTING FORCE?

ALL: *SHRUG*

JOHNNY: HE'S ALMOST THE SAME AGE AS ALLEN!

CAMP SCIENTIST 1: W/E. HE'S NOT A NORMAL TEENAGER, HE'S A FREAK OF NATURE. LIKE KANDA. HE'LL KEEP REGENERATING NO MATTER WHAT WE DO TO HIM, TRAPPED IN A VORTEX OF PAIN FOR THE REST OF EXISTENCE! THAT MAKES IT OKAY.

OLD MAN: OMG ALMA, LET ME TOUCH HIM.

RENEE: UM, NO, WE'RE KIND OF BUSY HERE.

BAK: WOMAN GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN *SLAP*

RENEE: KAY.

OLD MAN: *ALMAGASM*

HITLERWICK: HI I'M HERE NOW. HE CAN'T HEAR YOU DUMBASS

OLD MAN: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT HE WAS ALIVE?!

HITLERWICK: 'CAUSE I KNEW YOU'D THROW A BITCHFIT. LIKE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. BLAME BAK AND RENEE, THEY WERE TOTALLY IN CHARGE. I'M NOT THE ONE THAT USED THE HELLSPAWN TO KILL EVERYONE THERE, JUST SAYING.

OLD MAN: EVERYONE EXCEPT KANDA! HE GETS TO STICK AROUND SO THAT MORE AWFUL THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO HIM.

HITLERWICK: BUT OF COURSE.

OLD MAN: WE MADE THEM FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!!!

JOHNNY: WHY?

RENEE: IT'LL KIND OF MAKE SENSE IN 5 CHAPTERS, TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH.

JOHNNY: BLEGH *PUKES ON CAMP SCIENTIST 1*

CAMP SCIENTIST 1: MY FABULOUS LAB COAT IS RUINED!!!!!

EARL: *OUTSIDE* WE HAPPEN TO BE HAVING THE SAME CONVERSATION AS THEY ARE!

ROAD: WE ARE THAT AWESOME.

EARL: BUT OUT BACKSTORY IS SADDER.

ROAD: TOTALLY

EARL: THEY THINK KANDA CAN HOG ALL OF THE ANGST, THINK AGAIN!

ROAD: IT'S TIME FOR AN **ANGST OFF.**

EARL: TO WAAAAR!!!

ME: ANYONE GOING TO EXPLAIN WHY THE EARL IS HUMAN AND ROAD IS A PLUSHIE? NO? GREAT.

HEADQUARTERS: WE SHOULD PROBABLY ATTACK THEM OR SOMETHING *DOES SO*

EARL: *ACTUALLY LOOKS… PRETTY BADASS FOR A SECOND THERE. HOLY SHIT* MY NAME IS ADAM, BTW, ADD THAT TO YOUR TALLY OF USELESS INFORMATION WE'RE THROWING AT YOU. I'M SURE IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE SOMEDAY.

ME: SERIOUSLY. ROAD IS A PLUSHIE. NO EXPLANATION. YOU CANNOT DO THESE THINGS.

HOSHINO: BITCH I DO WHAT I WANT.

ME: FAIR ENOUGH. HOLY SHIT THERE ARE LIKE EIGHT LEVEL FOUR AKUMA THERE. HOW HAS THAT NOT RESULTED IN EVERYONE BEING DEAD YET?

HEADQUARTERS: *EXPLODES* UH YOU GUYS SHOULD PROBABLY GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

EVERYONE: *ATTEMPT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE*

JOHNNY: *TRIPS*

REEVER: OH MY GOD STOP FAILING SO MUCH.

JOHNNY: YOU'RE RIGHT, I HAVE TO NOT FAIL. LIKE ALLEN.

REEVER: GREAT, COME ON-

JOHNNY: I WILL, JUST LIKE ALLEN! I CAN'T HAVE ALLEN PROTECT ME AGAIN, I HAVE TO RUN ON MY OWN, SO I DON'T INCONVENIENCE ALLEN!

REEVER: ALRIGHT-

JOHNNY: ALLEN WILL COME, SOMEHOW! WE HAVE TO LIVE FOR ALLEN! ALLEN ALLEN ALLEN ALLEN ALLEN!!

ME: *ADDS JOHNNY TO LIST OF CHARACTERS WITH CREEPY STALKERCRUSHES ON ALLEN* SO THAT'S HIM, ROAD, TYKI, LO FOU, FO, POSSIBLY KRORY…

SHERYL: SURPRISE, BITCHES!

EVERYONE: OMGWTFBBQ

SHERYL: OHOHOHO, I AM CONTROLLING YOUR BODIES~

ME: *READIES PEN*

REEVER: GASP, WE ARE WALKING THE WRONG WAY! AND THE OTHERS ARE… EXPERIMENTING WITH AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION?

SHERYL: I AM SO DELICIOUSLY EVIL!

ME: YEAH I'M JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND ADD HIM, YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

JOHNNY: ALLEN WILL BE SO UPSET!

WISELY: OH MY GOD SHUT UP, YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE. YOU'RE WORSE THAN THAT "KUROSAKI-KUN" BITCH.

EARL: HELLO, AND WELCOME TO MY LOVE NEST

SHERYL: MMMM~

EVERYONE: *IS STUCK AGAINST WALL, ARMS OUT AS IF ON SOME SORT OF, SAY, CRUCIFIX*

JESUS SYMBOLISM: *IS OH SO SUBTLE*

CAMP SCIENTIST 1: THIS IS KIND OF BAD.

OLD MAN: MEH.

JOHNNY: OMG KANDA! HE LOOKS KIND OF DEAD

OLD MAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WISELY: YES. AND SHAME ON YOUR FOR CREATING THESE ABOMINATIONS *WAGS FINGER*

KANDA: UGH… MY HOTNESS WOKE ME UP… WHAT'S GOING- **AUGH WTF.**

ALMA: *IS CREEPY*

KANDA: WHAT THE HELL YOU CAN'T JUST PUT THAT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME WHILE I'M SLEEPING. OR DEAD.

FLASHBACK: *REARS ITS UGLY HEAD*

SHOTACON: HEY YU WHAT'S UP WHAT'S GOING ON MY NAMES ALMA YEAH IT'S A KINDA STUPID NAME LOLOLOL

FLASHBACK: *ENDS*

KANDA: WELL THAT WAS UNPLEASANT. GLAD IT'S OVER.

MAD CACKLING IS HEARD THROUGHOUT THE BUILDING.

HITLERWICK: *IS BORED BY ALL OF THIS*

BAK: DUDE. THERE IS A LEVEL FOUR TWO INCHES AWAY FROM YOU.

HITLERWICK: W/E I'M TOO STOIC FOR THIS SHIT.

EARL: WELL PERHAPS THIS EXPRESSION WILL SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. 0|8DDD

EVERYONE EXCEPT HITLERWICK: *WET THEIR PANTS*

EARL: COME NOW, DANCING TIME! I AM A ROOSTER.

SHERYL: HEY STOP HOGGING ALL THE 'WHAT'. AHEM *POSES IN A WAY THAT WOULD MAKE HARD GAY HANG HIS HEAD IN SHAME* AREN'T WE STILL WAITING FOR ALLEN? WE USED KANDA AS BAIT AFTER ALL, AND THE FANFICTION I'VE READ HAS LED ME TO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE LOVERS.

EARL: OF COURSE, I'M SURE WE CAN TRUST THE FANGIRLS NOT TO LEAD US ASTRAY. I AM STILL A ROOSTER, BY THE WAY, BECAUSE I CAN. OH, HERE HE COMES!

SHERYL: *ACTUAL LINE* COMING FROM BENEATH ME?

ME: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

ALLEN: RAAAAAH HOW DARE YOU HAVE ALMOST AN ENTIRE CHAPTER WITHOUT ME?!

JOHNNY: I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUUUU~

ALLEN: THAT'S GREAT. RETURN MY COMRA- OH. IT'S JUST KANDA?

EARL: *ACTUAL LINE* YOU CAME -HEART-

ME: THAT'S WHAT SHE SA-

ALLEN: WAIT, KANDA WAS YOUR BAIT?

EARL: UM… YES?

ALLEN:… FUCK THIS NOISE, I'M GOING BACK TO JORDAN.

SHERYL: WAIT! WE HAVE THE SCIENCE DEPARTMENT TOO!

ALLEN: HM, YEAH, DON'T LOVE THEM.

JOHNNY: *HEART BREAKS*

SHERYL: AND THE BRANCH HEADS!

ALLEN: BAK'S A CREEPY STALKER AND I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER TALKED TO THAT CHICK. WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

SHERYL: UM, LEVERRIER?

ALLEN: HAH.

TYKI: I'M HERE!

ALLEN: *LEAVES*

SHERYL: NO, WAIT!

EARL: I HAVE HORNS.

ALLEN: WHAT?

EARL: HORNS.

ALLEN: I… OKAY.

SHERYL: HAH, GOT YOU. NOW YOU'RE STUCK HERE.

ALLEN: FFFF. CAN'T KANDA TAKE CARE OF THE RESCUE?

KANDA: I AM RELIVING MY MOST TRAUMATIZING CHILDHOOD MEMORIES.

ALLEN: W/E. I SHOULD CARE WHY?

WISELY: CARE OR I WILL FORCE YOU TO SIT THROUGH HIS INCOMING FLASHBACK.

ALLEN: HAH, RIGHT.

WISELY: WITH ROAD MOLESTING YOU THE ENTIRE TIME.

ALLEN: NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING SILLY, THAT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BECOME CANON.

MORE MAD CACKLING IS HEARD THROUGHOUT THE BUILDING.

ALLEN:…. FU—


	2. Chapter 189

COVER: IS MADE OF EQUAL PARTS WTF AND AWESOME. KANDA IS LOOKING RATHER FABULOUS IN HIS PURPLE SANTA HAT AND THE RIDDLER'S GAY BROTHER'S SUIT, BRINGING GIFTS TO THE CHILDREN LIKE THE JIGALO!SANTA RIGHT OUT OF SOMEONE'S CRACK FANFICTION- LOOK I CAN'T REALLY DO IT JUSTICE. GO TO ONEMANGA AND LOOK AT IT.

ANYWAY, ONTO THE ACTUAL CHAPTER.

LINK: THIS LOG LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE AN ARM- OH WAIT AKUMA MASACRE. THAT'S A DOWNER.

SOME CHICK: WOE, FOR THE NOAH LEFT ME ALIVE WITH A TRIPPY VISION OF THE FUTURE.

ME: WAS SHE IN THE LAST CHAPTER? I DON'T REMEMBER HER AT ALL. APARENTLY SHE'S ONE OF THE THIRD EXORCICTS, I DON'T KNOW.

CHICK: ANYWAY, SO ALLEN'S GOING TO KILL SOME PEOPLE, THEN IMA GO KILL HIM. WELL I'M OFF, PEACE.

LINK: HOLD YOUR SHIT WOMAN. ALLEN IS MY LOVE INTEREST/CHARGE. I GET TO WATCH.

* * *

ELSEWHERE, TYKI AND ALLEN DOUBLE KICK THE EARL IN THE FACE FOR MAXIMUM DAMAGE!!! WAIT, WHY?

ALLEN: WAIT, WHAT? WHERE AM I/WHY ARE THEY CAPTURED/WHAT?

TYKI: *IS UNCOMFORTABLY FRIENDLY WITH ALLEN*

ALLEN: *HAS EYES ONLY FOR KANDA*

TYKI: *WEEPS* FOE YAY BEATS HO YAY!!

EVERYONE: *LOOKS ABSURDLY GIRLY DUE TO NEW STYLE*

ALLEN: KANDA WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE LIKE A RETARD? CARE TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING?

KANDA: *STARES AT GROUND*

SHERYL: WHY HELLOOOO THERE HANSOME~

ALLEN: OH DEAR GOD JERRY'S A NOAH.

TOSUKA: *IS MANGLED AND IN PAIN* CAREFUL, THE FRUITY ONE CAN-

ALLEN: BE MORE SPECIFIC.

TOSUKA: THE ONE SITTING ON ME.

ALLEN: GOTCHA.

TOSUKA: HE CAN MAKE PEOPLE MOVE, EVERYONE HERE IS HIS PRISONER!

ALLEN: BUMMER. OH, SO THAT'S WHY KANDA-

TOSUKA: NO HE'S FREE, HE JUST KIND OF SUCKS.

SHERYL: I AM GOING TO RAPE ALL OF YOU, JUST FYI.

TYKI: HEY, I GET ALLEN.

PLUSHIE!ROAD: HEY, I CALLED DIBS ON THE WAY OVER.

TYKI: THAT DOESN'T COUNT, I WASN'T THERE.

PLUSHIE: FINE, ON THE COUNT OF THREE. ONE, TWO-

EARL: ENOUGH, CHILDREN, DOES EARL HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH? *GRABS ALLEN*

ALLEN: OMFGWTF

EARL: YOU ARE THE 14TH, AND YOU'RE COMING WITH US!

ALL: *GASP*

ALLEN: HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

EARL: HE KIND OF TOOK OVER YOUR MIND AND TOLD ME.

ALLEN: THAT BITCH. WAIT, WHEN?

EARL: IN THIS FLASHBACK.

ALLEN: I DON'T REMEMBER THAT!

EARL: NO WORRIES, NEITHER DO THE READERS.

ALLEN: NO SERIOUSLY THAT NEVER HAPP- YES THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED, FOR NOW I AM THE 14TH, WAHAHAHA.

TYKI: I'M SORRY I BLINKED, WHAT HAPPENED?

14TH: I WANTED TO GET SOME MALE POSTURING IN AND LET YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS. LOOKS LIKE THAT PROMPTED YOU TO ATTACK THE ORDER AND LEAVE HUNDREDS OF INNOCENTS DEAD. MY B. ANYWAY I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AND BECOME THE EARL MYSE- OMG I AM NOT THE 14TH I WILL NEVER DO THAT!!

EARL: KID, MAKE UP YOUR MIND, YOU'RE MAKING ME DIZZY.

ALLEN: I AM NOT THE 14TH!! *BLEAGH BLOOD VOMIT*

EARL: GROSS.

ALLEN: BODY, DESINTEGRATING. HAVING, FLASHBACK, OF ONE TIME MASTER ACTUALLY, HUGGED ME, WITHOUT BEATING ME AFTERWARDS. THEN HE KILLED IT BY SAYING I WAS GOING TO KILL PEOPLE I LOVED. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! *HEADBUTT* SCREW ALL OF YOU, I'M NOT TURNING INTO THE 14TH!! I'M AN EXORCIST, I WILL DIE BEFORE I BECOME ANYTHING ELSE!! EFFIMINATE FURRY!!

TYKI: *SLIDES ALLEN NOTE* DO YOU LIKE ME? CHECK YES, NO, OR MAYBE.

KANDA: *ZINGS PAST EVERYONE AND ATTACKS EARL, GRABBING PLUSHIE _WITH HIS TEETH_, EARNING BACK AT LEAST 12 MAN POINTS DESPITE THE FACT THAT TYKI BLOCKS IT (_WITH HIM ARM_ WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE)*

ALLEN: OH YEAH, THAT'S WHAT NOT SUCKING LOOKS LIKE *ATTACKS SHERYL AND SAVES MR. AMPUTATION*

PLUSHIE: WTF ARE YOU DOING?! ONLY ALLEN MAY MANHANDLE ME THIS WAY.

KANDA: STFU I'M USING YOUR PRETTY RIBBON TO TIE MY HAIR BACK. *LOSES ALL 12 MAN POINTS*

BAKI: HELLO WE ARE STILL TRAPPED HE- OMFG ATTACK OF THE WATER PIPES.

SHERYL: YOU SEEM TO HAVE MISSED THE FACT THAT I'M THE BEST FREAKING VILLIAN TO DATE; NO ESCAPE.

DED ALMA KARMA: *SWAYS AROUND*

NOAH: *LET OUT THEIR INNER STRIPPERS AS THEY POSE AROUND HIM*

ALLEN: DEAR GOD WHERE THE HELL IS LENALEE? SHE NEEDS TO GET OVER HERE AND TONE DOWN THE HOMOEROTICISM. SOMEONE REMIND THE FANGIRLS I'M STRAIGHT.

TYKI: LIES!

ALLEN: SO WHAT'S WITH THE DRAG QUEEN?

MR. AMPUTATION: THAT'S KANDA'S DED BFF.

ALLEN: BFF AS IN BFF, OR "BFF"

MR. AMPUTATION: LEANING TOWARDS THE LATTER.

KANDA: WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

PLUSHIE: WTF HE'S YOUR BFF.

KANDA: *SMOOSHES* MY BFF IS DED.

PLUSHIE: NO ONE DIES IN D. GRAY-MAN, DUMBASS. ALTHOUGH HE IS A SHELL OF HIS FORMER SELF EXISTING SOLELY TO CREATE MORE PART-AKUMA ABOMINATIONS LIKE YOU.

KANDA: *DESTROYS**WOULD GAIN MAN POINTS FOR THIS IF SHE WASN'T A _PLUSHIE*_

HEADLESS PLUSHIE: HEY REMEMBER THAT CHICK WHO MADE YOU KILL HIM?

KANDA: *STABBY STAB*

ALLEN: WILL YOU CALM THE FUCK DOWN, THAT OBVIOUSLY ISN'T DOING ANYTHING. HOW ABOUT WE STOP SUCKING AT BEING HEROES AND ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, SAVE PEOPLE?

GIANT EYE ON FLOOR: SURPRISE, BITCHES!

MR. AMPUTATION: NO, DON'T LOOK AT IT!

KANDA AND ALLEN: *ARE TOTALLY LOOKING AT IT* AAAAHHH!!!

~DRAMATIC BLACK PANEL~

* * *

ALLEN: UGH, WHERE AM I? WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?

SHOTACON: HEY ARE YOU ALIVE?

ALLEN: UM, YES?

SHOTACON: YAAAAY *DIVES OVER HIM, CROTCH TASTEFULLY POSSITIONED _RIGHT OVER ALLEN'S FACE_*

ALLEN: WHY DOES HOSHINO HATE ME NOW?

SHOTACON: *BUTT-SHOT*

ALLEN: I AM STRAIGHT DAMMIT!! AND THIS IS A LITTLE KID FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!

ME: RULE 34 CARES NOT.

ALLEN: *WEEPS*

SHOTACON: HEY, YU, READY FOR SOME BACKSTORY?

KANDA: *GLUG GLUG*

_~END~_


	3. Chapter 190

CHAPTER 190

_LAST TIME, ALLEN TRAVELLED INTO KANDA'S MIND AND WAS MOLESTED MUCHLY BY KANDA'S TINY BFF, SHOTACON._

KANDA: WELL THIS IS FUCKING GREAT. IT TAKES 190 DAMN CHAPTER FOR ME TO FINALLY GET SOME BACKSTORY, AND IT'S ALL ABOUT FUCKING BEANSPROUT.

ALLEN: HELLO, MAIN CHARACTER.

KANDA: NO ONE EVEN LIKES YOU.

ALLEN: OH REALLY? LET'S LOOK AT THIS CHARACTER POLL— OH LOOK, I WON!

KANDA: !!!!

ALLEN: BUT YOU GOT SECOND, THAT'S GOOD. THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN GETTING SECOND IS GETTING FIRST. WHICH I DID. SUCK IT.

KANDA: FFFFFF

ALLEN: BACK TO CHIBI!KANDA! HE CAN'T TALK AND IS THUS INFINITELY BETTER THAN YOU.

KANDA: HEY WA— AHHHHH!!! *TIME VORTEXED*

ALLEN: AWESOME. NOW THEN, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHAT'S WITH THE NAKED CHICK?

SHOTACON: LOOK, YUU'S AWAKE!

ALLEN: WHERE?

SHOTACON: QUICK, GET HIM SOME CLOTHES! I CAN ONLY HOLD MYSELF BACK FROM RAVAGING HIM FOR SO LONG!!

ALLEN: "HIM"?

CHIBI!KANDA: *LOOKS UP*

ALLEN: OH DEAR GOD. I'M TORN BETWEEN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AT HIS GIRLINESS AND GIVING INTO THE URGE TO PROJECTILE VOMIT. THE SECOND WINS— AUUUUGHHH NAKED KANDA *BLEAGH*

RHODE: HEY BABY *MOLESTS*

ALLEN: OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, CAN I GET THROUGH ONE CHAPTER WITHOUT THE CONSTANT THREAT OF RAPE?

RHODE: NOT LIKELY.

TITLE PAGE: AND YOU THOUGHT WE COULDN'T MAKE KANDA LOOK ANY MORE CAMP AFTER LAST MONTH. YOU WERE **WRONG**.

~BACK AT HEADQUARTERS~

MR. AMPUTATION: OMG WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM?! THEY SUDDENLY LOOK LIKE THE CATS FROM SAILOR MOON.

WISELY: JUST A LITTLE MIND RAPE, NO WORRIES.

SHERYL: AAAND YOU SENT RHODE TOO. WAY TO GO YOU LITTLE FAILFACE.

TYKI: HOW DARE YOU SEPARATE US?!

SHERYL: I KNOW R-

TYKI:** I** **WAS THIS CLOSE TO** **FINALLY RAPING ALLEN. YOU'RE ON RHODE'S SIDE, AREN'T YOU?!**

SHERYL: I HATE YOU ALL.

TYKI: *WEEPS*

EARL: NOW NOW, WISELY CAN'T HELP IT IF HE SUCKS. HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY LEAST FAVORITE.

WISELY: SHUT UP, IT'S TIME FOR SOME EXPOSITION; THE READERS ARE TOTALLY LOST. *AHEM* 9 YEARS AGO SHOTACON KARMA AND KANDA WERE THE ONLY EXORCI—

ME: WAIT. DOES THIS MEAN THAT KANDA IS 9? FOR THAT MATTER, IF THE 14TH DIED 35 YEARS AGO, WOULDN'T THAT MAKE ALLEN 35? NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE.

WISELY: EXC**USE ME. WE HAVE A LOT OF EXPOSITION TO GET THROUGH. STFU**. ANYWAY, BY MIND RAPING KANDA I'M GOING TO BRING SHOTACON OUT OF HIS COMA OR SOME SHIT, I DON'T KNOW.

OLD MAN: GASP, NO! PLEASE, I BEG YOU!!

WISELY: DUDE. VILLIAN. ATTEMPTING TO GIVE A DAMN… NO, DAMN NOT GIVEN.

BAKI: WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? BEING TIED UP, FINE. BUT NO, DON'T MESS WITH THE COMA KID! AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT CARES THAT WE'RE STILL BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY THE NOAH?!

~MEANWHILE, AS ALLEN IS BEING RAPED INSIDE OF KANDA'S MIND~

KANDA: OH GOD WHY

~CHIBI!KANDA IS, PREDICTABLY, BEING A DICK~

SHOTACON: OH THE PAIN.

SCIENCE DEPARTMEN: WILL YOU CHILL OUT AND STOP BREAKING THINGS?!

CHIBI!KANDA: *FLAMES OF RAGE*

SHOTACON: *CRIES. LIKE A LITTLE BITCH*

HEAD OF THE ASIA BRANCH (TWI CHAN): GOD YOU GUYS, QUIT IT. I DID NOT BREED YOU ABOMINATIONS AGAINST NATURE SO THAT YOU COULD BEAT EACH OTHER UP WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.

ME: THAT IS TOTALLY WHAT I WOULD DO IF I COULD INSTANTLY REGINERATE AND HAD SUPER STRENGTH.

TWI: QUIT BEATING UP MY UNDERLINGS, THEY DON'T HAVE YOUR INSTANT HEALING.

CHIBI!KANDA: I DON'T CARE.

ALLEN: WOW. SO HE WAS ALWAYS A DOUCHE.

(SLIGHTLY LESS) OLD MAN: QUIT HAVING EMOTIONS YOU TWO.

SHOTACON: *SNIFF* IMSRY I JUST WANTED YUU TO KISS ME.

CHIBI!KANDA: YOU'RE A *($# CREEPY ASS STALKER AND I HOPE YOU (*^# SO THAT $*$&()*#$ AND YOUR *&^%^ WILL *&#$%. AND YOU WERE ADOPTED.

SHOTACON: WAAAAAHHHHH D':

~WE TRANSITION SCENES AS THE BEATING THAT CHIBI!KANDA IS GIVING SHOTACON IS TOO GRAPHIC TO APPEAR IN THIS MANGA~

CHIBI!KANDA: SO I HATE THIS PLACE AND IT'S DARK AND I WAS BORN TO FIGHT AND STUFF.

SOME GUY: YUP. ANYWAY, YOU CAME FROM THIS HOLE.

CHIBI!KANDA: DO BABIES COME FROM HOLES?

SOME GUY: UM, KIND OF. BABIES COME FROM MOMS.

CHIBI!KANDA: WHAT ARE THOSE?

GUY: UM, TWI.

CHIBI!KANDA: SHE'S YOUR MOM?

GUY: NO, I'M HER BABYDADY.

CHIBI!KANDA: WHAT?

GUY: *HOLDS UP A BAGEL AND HOTDOG* LOOK, WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH, OR HORMONES GET THE BETTER OF THEM—

GOLEM: I AM HERE TO INTERRUPT WHAT WOULD NO DOUBT BE THE MOST HORRIBLY AWKWARD AND SCARRING EVENT OF CHIBI!KANDA'S LIFE.

CHIBI!KANDA: YOU OBVIOUSLY MISSED THE FACT THAT I'M BEING STALKED.

WOMAN: SUCKS.

CHIBI!KANDA: WAIT WHA-

SHOTACON: *ACHOO*

CHIBI!KANDA: **I AM SO CONFUSED.** AND MURDEROUSLY ANGRY.

SHOTACON: H-HEY YUU, SO I WAS THINKING MAYBE LATER WE COULD CATCH A MOVIE—

CHIBI!KANDA: *IGNORES*

SHOTACON: *WAAAAAH* WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?!

CHIBI!KANDA: BECAUSE I AM TOO BUSY HATING YOU. STOP STALKING ME.

~HOLY ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE BATMAN!~

CHIBI!KANDA: *HOOKED UP TO A BUNCH OF WIRES**_**EXPLODES**_* AHHHHH!!!

SCIENCE PEOPLE: NO WORRIES, HE'S FINE! AGAIN!

CHIBI!KANDA!:** AAAAUUUUUGH** *MORE BLOOD SPEWS EVERYWHERE*

SCIENCE PEOPLE: 'TIS BUT A FLESH WOUND! TOUCH THE INNOCENCE AGAIN!

CHIBI!KANDA: I DON'T REALLY WANT TO.

SCIENCE PEOPLE: NOW NOW, NO ONE LIKES A QUITTER. YOU TOO, SHOTACON!

CHIBI!KANDA: WELL AT LEAST I KNOW THAT CREEP'S IN PAI- **AAAAAUGH!!! FUCK YOU INNOCENCE.**

SCIENCE PEOPLE: I THINK IT'S WORKING!

~LATER~

CHIBI!KANDA: WELL I'VE OFFICIALLY BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE. I WILL PROBABLY NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. GUESS I'LL GO VISIT MY COMA!FETUS SIBLING THINGS. SIGH, I WISH I COULD GO BACK TO SLEEP LIKE THEM *TEARS*

ME: I JUST FELT A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE AS EVERY FANGIRL ON EARTH SIMULTANEOUSLY BELLOWED "**AWWWWWWWWWWWW**"

WOMAN FROM BEFORE: DON'T BE EMO, KID.

CHIBI!KANDA: HEY, WHO ARE YOU? COME BAC— *FALLS INTO COMA!FETUS POD… THING…*

SHOTACON: *FACEPALM*

CHIBI!KANDA: OH WONDERFUL, ANOTHER EXPERIENCE TO RELIVE IN MY NEVERENDING NIGHTMARES. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ARE YOU STALKING ME AGAIN?!

SHOTACON: NO! I JUST, HAPPENED TO BE HERE! HAVING A PICNIC!

CHIBI!KANDA: … WHATEVER. WHERE'S THE WOMAN?

SHOTACON: WHO?

CHIBI!KANDA: THE WOMAN. SHE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT THERE.

SHOTACON: YOU ARE NOT RIGHT IN THE HEA— AUGH! *ARMS FALLS OFF*

CHIBI!KANDA: WTF

SHOTACON: SORRY. DAILY TORTURE, YOU KNOW. YOU OKAY?

CHIBI!KANDA: I'M FI— *ARM FALLS OFF* *&^#$%&#$#()$*&#(*$&#

SHOTCON: I DON'T THINK THAT'S ANATOMICALLY POSSIBLE.

CHIBI!KANDA: WHATEVER LET'S JUST SIT HERE UNTIL OUR LIMBS STOP FALLING OFF. TOUCH ME AND YOU DIE.

SHOTACON: :(

CHIBI!KANDA: SO WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT THE WOMAN BEFORE WE SPONTANOUSLY COMBUSTED?

SHOTACON: OH IT'S PROBABLY A GHOST. HER NAME'S FO AND SHE COMFORTED ME WHEN I WAS CRYING. GASP! WERE YOU CRYING?!

CHIBI!KANDA: NO!!

FANGIRLS: WE HAVE SCREENCAPS AND IT WAS ADORABLE!!!

CHIBI!KANDA: F YOU *ATTACKS SHOTACON* STOP EXISTING.

SHOTACON: *ATTACKS* YOU STOP EXISTING!

BOTH: *RIP OFF CLOTHES**THEN EXPLODE**APARENTLY THE SHIRTS WERE KEEPING ALL THE BLOOD IN(?)*

SHOTACON: LET'S JUST LIE HERE COVERED IN BLOOD IN OUR PEDO-BAIT SHORT-SHORTS.

CHIBI!KANDA: GOD I HATE THIS FLASHBACK.

SHOTCON: HA. OUR LIVES ARE SO AWFUL IT'S KIND OF FUNNY!

CHIBI!KANDA: HA, YOU'RE RIGHT!

~AND NOW THEY ARE FRIENDSSS~

AMBIGUOUS THOUGHT BUBBLE: AND THEN 193 DAYS LATER I KILLED YOU.

~CHAPTER END~

ALLEN: WAIT WHERE DID I GO!?

RHODE: WHAT I WAS DOING TO YOU COULD NOT BE SHOWN IN A T+ MANGA.

ME: … LENALEE'S NEVER COMING BACK, IS SHE? HOSHINO'S NEFARIOUS PLOT TO PHASE OUT ALL OF THE MAIN FEMALE CHARACTERS IS UNDERWAY *SOB* CAN RHODE BE NEXT?

ALLEN: I JUST SPENT AN ENTIRE CHAPTER BEING MOLESTED BY RHODE AND FLASHED BY KANDA AND HIS LITTLE GAY LOVER. THINGS COULD NOT GET WORSE.

KANDA: HA! I DID BEAT YOU IN ONE CHARACTER POLL, WHAT NOW!!!!

ALLEN: ONE OUT OF THREE BITCH.

KANDA: I HATE MY LIFE. IS THE FLASHBACK OVER YET?

ALLEN: GOD I HOPE SO, I'M NOT SURE WHICH ONE OF US WAS RAPED MORE.

KANDA: CONSIDERING EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU IS TAKING PLACE IN **MY MIND**, ME.

ALLEN: OH YEAH. HA. THANKS FOR PUTTING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE.

~FIGHTING ENSUES~

ME: I AM STARTING A PETITION TO BRING LENALEE BACK. SHE WAS APARENTLY THE TOKEN FEMALE HOLDING BACK_ ALL THE CRAZY._


	4. Chapter 191

CHAPTER 191

OUR COVER PAGE SHOWS SHOTACON AND LENALEE— OH NO WAIT I GUESS THAT'S CHIBI!KANDA, STARING OFF INTO SPACE AS KANDA STANDS IN THE FOREGROUND, SHOWING US THAT HE DOES AT LEAST SOMEWHAT LOOK LIKE HE HAS BOY-PARTS IN PRESENT TIME. I THINK HOSHINO IS THREATENING US. SHE WANTS US TO KNOW THAT IT CAN GET WORSE. SHE CAN MAKE IT WORSE, IF SHE WANTS TO. AND WE WILL BE POWERLESS TO STOP HER; WE WILL STILL BUY IT. IN ESSENCE, WE ARE HER BITCHES.

NOW ONTO THE CHAPTER.

**COLOR PAGE OMG OMG ITS LENALEE I SEE LENALEE SHE HAS PIGTAILS AGAIN AND ITS TOTALLY CUTE AND THE GUYS ARE LOOKING PRETTY STRIPPERIFIC AS USUAL (YES PLEASE LAVI) BUT BRING BACK LENALEEEEE.**

**NOW** ONTO THE CHAPTER.

CHIBI!KANDA: WHAT FINALLY APPEARED BEFORE ME WAS A BRIGHT, BLUE SKY *TEARS*

ALLEN: WOW, IF I WAS IN THIS CHAPTER I WOULD BE MOCKING YOU RELENTLESSLY. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PICK ON ME FOR BEING A PANSY.

KANDA: I WAS LIKE 5.

ALLEN: YEAH WHATEV— **DEAR GOD** HOSHINO STOP DRAWING CHIBI!KANDA NAKED!! APPEALING TO THE PEDOPHILE DEMOGRAPHIC ISN'T FUCKING WORTH IT!!

CHIBI!KANDA: WELL I'VE SEEN THE SKY AND IT'S PRETTY. AND I HAVE A KICKASS SWORD MADE FROM THE DISMEMBERED WINGS OF A THOUSANDS DOVES. SUCKS TO BE YOU ALMA!

~NOW WE GET A FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE CONFUSED ENOUGH YET. WE BEGIN ON CHIBI!KANDA'S ACID TRIP~

CHIBI!KANDA: WHAT THE HELLLL?

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: BEFORE THE PETAL FALLS….

CHIBI!KANDA: I CAN'T HEAR YOU BITCH. SOMEONE GET THIS RANDOM HAND OUT OF THE WAY— OH SHIT BAD TRIP BADTRIP!! AHHH! *WAKES UP*

SHOTACON: HEY YU, YOU WERE TOSSING AND TURNING IN YOUR SLEEP.

CHIBI!KANDA: HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN MY ROOM?

SHOTACON: I SNUCK IN THROUGH THE WINDOW—

CHIBI!KANDA: OUT. NOW.

SHOTACON: OKAY, WANT TO GO SAY HI TO OUR COMA!FETUS SIBLINGS?

CHIBI!KANDA: THEY ARE IN COMAS. THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU.

SHOTACON: …

CHIBI!KANDA: …

SHOTACON: …

CHIBI!KANDA: SURE, WHY THE FUCK NOT.

~AWAY THEY GO~

BOTH: COLD COLD COLD

SHOTACON: APPARENTLY IT'S WINTER NOW.

CHIBI!KANDA: I AM GOING BACK TO BED NOW KTHX.

SHOTACON: WAIT- AHHH! *TRIPS**LANDS ON NECK*

CHIBI!KANDA: HA. OKAY, I'LL STAY.

SHOTACON: YAY! HAY GUYS WHAT'S UP?

COMA!FETUSES: OH GOD HE'S BACK.

SHOTACON: SO I REALLY LIKE MAYONNAISE I THINK IT'S THE BEST THING EVER IT'S MADE OUT OF AWESOME THINGS LIKE RAINBOWS AND I EAT IT EVERYDAY.

CHIBI!KANDA: AM I REALLY LONELY ENOUGH TO HANG OUT WITH THIS CREEP? MY LIFE DEPRESSES ME.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: BEFORE THE—

CHIBI!KANDA: NO. YOU CAN SHUT UP, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: WELL, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT. MIND TAZER TIME!

CHIBI!KANDA: AUUUGH!!!

SHOTACON: OMG!

SOMEONE, PROBABLY THE WOMAN (MAYBE): I'LL WAIT FOR YOU FOREVER~

CHIBI!KANDA: WHAT.

SCIENTIST: ARE YOU OKAY?

CHIBI!KANDA: *SHAKILY* I THINK A FANGIRL IS INSIDE MY BRAIN.

~YAY FOR SUDDEN SCENE CHANGES. THEY DO NOT IN ANY WAY CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONFUSION~

LESS OLD MAN: WHEN DID HE START TAKING THE DRUGS?!

LENNY: APPARENTLY I EXIST. HI, I'M LENNY! AND YEAH IUNNO, SRY.

LESS OLD MAN: WHAT DID HE SEE?

SOME GUY: SOME PERSON IN SOME PLACE.

LESS OLD GUY: THAT IS INCREDIBLY DESCRIPTIVE. YOU ARE FIRED.

TWI: THINK HE'S GOING BATSHIT?

LESS OLD GUY: YUP. GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO KILL HIM.

TWI: WHAT A SHAME.

SHOTACON: OMFGBBQ

~CUT TO... I HAVE NO WORDS FOR THIS~

ME: AUGH WHAT THE HELL. WHAT THE HELL HOSHINO. YOU DO NOT END ONE PAGE TALKING ABOUT CHIBI!KANDA DYING AND START THE NEXT WITH A FLAILING HORSE FISH-CONCEIVED BY SOME GREAT RAPE OF NATURE AND ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD. THERE IS PLENTY OF CRACK ALREADY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO US! WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF!

SCIENTIST CHEFS: WHAT. THE. HELL.

SHOTACON: WOW, THAT IS WEIRD AS SHIT, EVEN FOR HOSHINO.

SCIENTIST CHEF: PRETTY MUCH. HEY WHY AREN'T YOU STALKING YU?

SHOTACON: THEY KICKED ME OUT.

SCIENTIST CHEF: SORRY TO HEAR THAT. WELL HERE'S… SOMETHING.

SHOTACON: I DON'T THINK… IS THAT JUST 500 VICODIN IN A BOWL WITH… GOD WHAT IS THAT ON TOP?

SCIENTIST CHEF: I DON'T RIGHTLY KNOW. LOOK THERE WERE SOME BUDGET CUTS ALRIGHT, THEY FIRED ALL THE CHEFS. WANT SOME MAYO ON THAT?

SHOTACON: YES. I COULD USE SOME SPEED AND STEROIDS TOO, I'M PLANNING A JAILBREAK.

SCIENTIST CHEF: ALRIGHTY, YOU BE GOOD NOW.

~BACK WITH CHIBI!KANDA~

RANDOM PERSON WE DON'T CARE ABOUT: WELL HE'S STILL IN A COMA.

OTHER RANDOM PERSON: I CAN SEE THAT.

SHOTACON: **RAAARGH!!!** CAN YOU FEEL THE BURN?!? I FEEL THE **BUUURN!!!!!!!** HKAJLSDFPSUDIFSD *SEIZURE* YEAH!

SCIENTISTS: WHAT. THE. HELL.

SHOTACON: TAKE THIS PURPLE TURTLE! YOUR MOTHER WAS A WHORE!! *BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE* A WHOOOOORE!!! *TAKES YU AND RUNS*

CHIBI!KANDA: WHAT ARE YOU ON?!

SHOTACON: NOT NOW SPARKLING STAR.

CHIBI!KANDA: EXCUS—

SHOTACON: WHERE ARE WE?

CHIBI!KANDA: I DON'T KNOW!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

SHOTACON: OH RIGHT. I CAN'T LET THEM KILL YOU! LET ME BE YOUR ROMEO.

CHIBI!KANDA: **THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE**— AHH! *STABBED*

CROW: WE ARE HERE TO TAKE YOU BACK. RIGHTEOUSLY \m/

CHIBI!KANDA: THANK GOD.

SHOTACON: NO! I WON'T LET YOU TAKE HIM!! *KICKS KANDA OFF A CLIFF*

CHIBI!KANDA: WHAT THE HELL?!

SHOTACON: YOU _MIGHT_ SURVIVE!!

CHIBI!KANDA:** I FUCKING HATE YOU.**

SHOTACON: SWEET DREAMS MY JULIET!

~ELSEWHERE~

BAK: HEY MARI, HOW'S THAT LOSING YOUR EYES AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE THING GOING?

MARI: ALRIGHT I GUESS.

BAK: AWESOME.

CHIBI!KANDA: *GASP* DAMNIT THAT WATER WAS FUCKING FREEZING AND I **DIDN'T EVEN ESCAPE**. I DIED LIKE 3 TIMES, THAT WAS THE WORST RESCUE PLAN EVER. AT LEAST ALMA'S GONE. *FALLS FORWARD*

BAK: WHAAAT?

CHIBI!KANDA: HEY, YOU.

BAK: UM, YES?

CHIBI!KANDA: YOU'RE MY BITCH NOW. TAKE THIS NEEDLE THING OUT OF MY SHOULDER.

BAK: WHOA, HEY THAT'S A SPECIAL CROW NEEDLE THINGY.

MARI: W/E *TAKES IT OUT*

ME: I SMELL A NEW OTP!

CHIBI!KANDA: HAVE I SMELLED YOU BEFORE?

MARI: UM, I DON'T THINK SO.

CHIBI!KANDA: *FALLS ASLEEP*

BAK: AS IN THE FUTURE, I AM THE ONLY SANE MAN. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM?!

RINGWRAITH: HAND US THE BOYYYYYY *HISS*

BAK: K.

KANDA: *ON ANOTHER ACID TRIP* OH, HE SMELLED LIKE DEATH, LIKE THE FLOWERS, OR SOMETHING…

ME: IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! THE GHOST WAS ACTUALLY MARI DRESSED IN DRAG AND WANDERING AROUND THE HALLWAYS! $50 SAYS THAT EXPLANATION MAKES MORE SENSE THAN WHATEVER HOSHINO COMES UP WITH.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: LOTUSES GROW FROM MUD TOWARDS THE HEAVEN! DEATH! SOMETHING!

AKUMA: ARE YOU OKAY?

SOMEONE, MAYBE KANDA: I LOVE YOUUUU

AKUMA: DAMN THIS KID TOOK SOME BAD SHIT.

~SUDDENLY BACK TO CHIBI!KANDA IN A HOSPITAL BED!~

CHIBI!KANDA: I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUWHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

~END CHAPTER~

ME: I… REALLY HAVE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE THIS CHAPTER. I THINK THE CANON EXPLANATION IS THAT IT WAS ALL ONE BAD DRUG TRIP, CHIBI!KANDA IMAGINED THE WHOLE THING. IT IS THE MOST STIRRING PSA I HAVE EVER WITNESSED.

.

.

.

(DAMMIT NOW I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER FREAKING MONTH TO FIGURE OUT WTF IS GOING ON)


	5. Chapter 192

CHAPTER 192

_SORRY THIS IS SO LATE GUYS. THIS CHAPTER WAS… KIND OF HEAVY. I HAD TO GET SOME SRS DISKUSHUN AND REFLECTION OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE I COULD EVEN ATTEMPT TO MAKE THIS FUNNY. APPARENTLY THE LAST CHAPTER WAS HOSHINO GETTING ALL OF THE CRACK OUT OF HER SYSTEM, AND THIS WAS HER SAYING "THE CAKE IS A LIE, THERE IS A CLOWN UNDER YOUR BED, AND IT WILL NEVER BE YOUR BIRTHDAY AGAIN." I… I TRIED TO MAKE IT FUNNY._

* * *

WE OPEN TO YET ANOTHER EXISTENTIALIST MONOLOGUE ABOUT THE ALMIGHTY LOTUS. I HAVE MY SUSPICIONS THAT HOSHINO JUST REALLY, REALLY WANTED TO DRAW FLOWERS THIS YEAR. THE FLOATING TEXT SAYS "WHOSE MEMORIES ARE THESE?!" SO APPARENTLY WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CONFUSED. WHICH IS… GOOD?

TWI: WELL IT'S TIME TO KILL SOME SHOTAS. KEEP BAK OUT, I'VE HEARD HE'S GOT THIS THING CALLED A "SOUL" AND HE MIGHT TRY TO STOP US.

CHIBI!KANDA: YOU WHOREBITCHSLUT.

TWI: WELL THANKS A BUNCH FO, YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

CHIBI!KANDA: OH GOOD, THE NICE GHOST THAT COMFORTS PEOPLE IS KILLING ME TOO. THAT IS JUST… HEH.. HAHA… HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—

TWI: YU—

CHIBI!KANDA: —AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!

TWI: KILLING PSYCHO BOY NOW.

CHIBI!KANDA: THE CAKE WAS A LIEEEEEE!

TWI: YES. YES IT WAS.

CHIBI!KANDA: I WAS KILLED BY AKUMA! AND THAT'S WHY THERE'S A FANGIRL AND FLOWERS IN MY BRAIN, AND… I DON'T REALLY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED _BUT I HATE YOU!!!_

BASTARDMCDOUCHE: TAZER TIME!

CHIBI!KANDA: *#&#^%^*

BASTARDMCDOUCHE: I PREACH MY UTILITARIAN WAR-CHURCH BELIEFS AT YOU AS YOU DIE!

ALLEN: WELL I'M HERE NOW AND **OH MY FUCKING GOD.**

CHIBI!KANDA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH!!!!

ALLEN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH!!!!

ROAD: GET A GRIP MAN!

ALLEN: ALRIGHT, I'LL JUST STARE NUMBLY INTO SPACE NOW AS EVERYTHING I BELIEVED IN CRUMBLES AROUND ME. AGAIN.

ROAD: I WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS OPPORTUNITY TO GROPE YOU.

ALLEN: I… I DON'T EVEN CARE.

ROAD: THAT MEANS HE LOVES ME!

ME: ROAD IS BEING NICE AND HELPFUL. THIS CREEPS ME OUT SO MUCH MORE THAN PSYCHOFRANKENKANDA. WHAT IS SHE PLANNING? I KEEP EXPECTING TO TURN THE PAGE AND FIND HER STABBING A CANDLE IN ALLEN'S EYE GOING "LULZ"

ROAD: ANYWAY THOSE THINGS HAPPENED IN THE PAST SO THEY DON'T MATTER.

ALLEN: THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

ROAD: W/E. OVER IT YET?

ALLEN: NOT REAL—

ROAD: GOOD. LET'S MAKE-OUT.

SHOTACON: _SURPRISE PERSONAL SPACE INVASION!_

ALLEN: ~ACTUAL LINE~ FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

EDGAR: ALMA GET YOUR BITCH ASS BACK HERE!

SHOTACON: NEVERRRRR! I'M RESCUING MY BELOVED!!

ME: NOTICE THAT SHOTACON IS NOW MISSING HIS SHIRT. WHICH MEANS THAT EITHER THE CROW GUARDS OR SCIENCE PEOPLE TOOK IT OFF WHILE HE WAS UNCONSCIOUS. I'M JUST SAYING.

ALLEN: SO WHAT'S GOING ON NOW, OH QUEEN OF EXPOSITION?

ROAD: WE'RE IN SHOTACON'S MEMORIES, WHICH MEANS THAT OUR PLAN IS WORKING!

ALLEN: UM… STOP IT?

ROAD: LOL NO.

ALLEN: AT LEAST STOP GROPING ME?

ROAD: NO U.

SHOTACON: I MUST RESCUE YU! TIME FOR EPIC HERO FAILURE, PART TWO! *TRIPS DOWN HOLE IN FLOOR*

EDGAR: ALMA, GET BACK HERE! I KNOW YOU'RE SAD THAT WE HAVE TO PUT DOWN YOUR LITTLE BOYFRIEND BUT—

SHOTACON: NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! NO ONE HAS EVER FELT A LOVE THIS TRUE!! INITIATE PHASE THREE OF EPIC HERO FAILURE, FALLING DOWN BOTTOMLESS PIT!!

~WE SWITCH TO A WEIRD INNOCENCE ROOM THING. SPOILER ALERT: THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET WORSE~

ALLEN: ALRIGHT, NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?

SHOTACON: WITH THIS INNOCENCE I WILL—

CROW: SURPRISE!!!

SHOTACON: AUUUUGH *BURNS*

CROW: NO ONE EVER EXPECTS THE VATICAN INQUISITION!

SHOTACON: MUST… SAVE… YU…

EDGAR: QUIT KILLING HIM, I AM SUDDENLY FEELING GUILTY ABOUT THIS WHOLE TAMPERING WITH GOD'S WORK AND ALL THAT IS GOOD AND NATURAL… THING.

CROW: NO

ALLEN: PLEASE?

CROW: NO.

SHOTACON: _**INNOCENCEMAGEDDON !!!!**_

CROW: OSHI— _*DEADINATED*_

ALLEN: *SCARRED FOR LIFE*

ROAD: I'M LIKING THIS WHOLE YOU BEING TOO TRAUMATIZED TO PUSH ME AWAY THING. UM, AW, POOR GUY.

ALLEN: YOU'RE TRYING A LITTLE TOO HARD WITH THIS "IMITATING HUMAN EMPATHY" THING.

ROAD: SEX NOW?

ALLEN: FOCUS, EXPOSITION QUEEN.

ROAD: FINE. SHOTA HAS DISCOVERED THAT THE APOSTLES ARE ACTUALLY DEAD EXORCISTS THAT HAD THEIR BRAINS TRANSPLANTED OR SOME SHIT TO TRY TO KEEP BEING ABLE TO USE THE INNOCENCE. BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!

ALLEN: HO-LEE-SHIT.

ROAD: I AM BEING VERY HELPFUL YOU KNOW, THAT SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST EARNED ME A STRIP TEASE.

ALLEN: *IGNORES*

ROAD: YOU KNOW, I HAVE BOOBIES NOW!

ALLEN: _*IGNORES*_

ROAD: FFFFF.

~NOW WE SEE THAT MARIE HAS BEEN CRITICALLY INJURED AND IS GOING TO BE EXPERIMENTED UPON!! I… DON'T KNOW HOW, SEEING AS NEITHER KANDA OR ALMA WERE THERE, AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THEIR MINDS… LOOK, OVER THERE! FLOWERS!~

AND NOW KANDA IS DEAD AND EDGAR IS CRYING AND THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THIS. I MAKE SADFACE, WHILE SHOTACON MAKES RAPEFACE. IS CHAPTER 193 OUT YET?


	6. Chapter 193

Chapter 193

THE CAPTION READS "I THOUGHT I'D ALWAYS BE BY YOUR SIDE, FRIEND," WITH SHOTACON PRANCING ABOUT GAYLY, A STUPID EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE. RIGHT. "FRIEND." SOMEONE MAKE SURE TO GIVE SHOTACON THE BIRDS AND THE BEES TALK BEFORE HE KILLS EVERYONE. OH, SPOILER ALERT.

CHIBI!KANDA: *WRITING EMO POETRY* IT'S PITCH BLACK, THE DARKNESS OF MY SOUL, AS I BLEED *SLITS WRISTS*

WOMAN: DON'T BE EMO KID. REMEMBER: FLOWERS!

CHIBI!KANDA: THE FLOWERS REALLY AREN'T MAKING ANYTHING BETTER. JUST BRINGING ME MORE PAIN.

WOMAN: HAPPY FLOWERS!

CHIBI!KANDA: I FEEL LIKE I WOULD PROBABLY HATE YOU, YET STILL I FEEL COMPELLED TO FIND YOU.

WOMAN: CHANCES ARE I'M DEAD NOW, SO ENJOY THAT FEELING OF EMPTINESS INSIDE. THAT IS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

CHIBI!KANDA: FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC. I GUESS I'LL WAIT FOR YOU FOREVER, CUNTMUFFIN.

WOMAN: YUP, ENJOY THE TRAUMA!

CHIBI!KANDA: **AUUUUGH EXPLODING AGAIN WHY AM I ALWAYS EXPLODING MAKE THE FLASHBACK END.**

SOMEWHERE, HOSHINO LAUGHS MENACINGLY.

CHIBI!KANDA: CHRIST THE PAIN. WHY AM I EVEN AWAKE? I CAN'T REMEMBER MY NAME AND I WANT TO SEE THE BITCHLADY AND **KAMEHAMEHAAAAA**—

SWORD OF A THOUSAND SLAUGHTERED DOVES: *APPEARS*

CHIBI!KANDA: **FUCKING. INNOCENCE** . NOW YOU DECIDE TO WORK?! COULD YOU HAVE NOT WORKED BEFORE WHEN I ACTUALLY NEEDED YOU?!?

SWORD: NAH, I JUST LIKE DICKING WITH YOU.

CHIBI!KANDA: I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE. I AM GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THIS FLASHBACK *DESTROYS RANDOM THINGS* MAYBE I SHOULD KILL EVERYONE. MY HEART'S NOT REALLY IN IT, BUT WHAT THE HELL.

MACHINE: BEEP BEEP STOP DESTROYING THINGS YOU LITTLE SHIT BEEP BEEP TRYING TO KEEP THIS GUY ALIVE

CHIBI!KANDA: OH HEY IT'S THAT GUY. THE SMELLY ONE. HE LOOKS KIND OF DEAD.

BLOOD SPOTS ON MARIE'S FOREHEAD: *LOOK STRANGELY LIKE NIPPLES (FREUD WAS RIGHT) *

MARIE: 'TIS BUT A FLESH WOUND!

CHIBI!KANDA: MY I LOOK GIRLY ON THIS PAGE. ALSO, THE FUCK?

MARIE: OH HEY THERE LITTLE BUDDY.

CHIBI!KANDA: I WOULD ASK, BUT I DON'T CARE. COME ON.

MARIE: WELL THANKS FOR DRAGGING ME ACROSS THE FLOOR IN THIS EXTREMELY AWKWARD POSSITION, LITTLE GUY.

CHIBI!KANDA: LOOK I AM NOT YOUR SIDEKICK, STOP CALLING ME THAT.

MARIE: WELL WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

CHIBI!KANDA: … OBVIOUS SUBJECT CHANGE! SO WHY AREN'T YOU CRAZY ANGRY LIKE ME?

MARIE: IUNNO. COULD BE BECAUSE I'M NOT A DOUCHEBAG.

CHIBI!KANDA: POINT.

MARIE: ALSO I HAVE YOU HERE BESIDE ME.

CHIBI!KANDA: WE HAVE LITERALLY GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE THERE ARE HOMOSEXUAL UNDERTONES ON EVERY FUCKING PAGE.

MARIE: SRY.

CHIBI!KANDA: ALL GOOD. WONDER WHATEVER BECAME OF MY STALKER? HE'S PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY PERSON WHO HASN'T BETRAYED ME YET, SO I GUESS I SHOULD CARE ABO— **GODDAMMIT HOSHINO **I AM NOT A GIRL, STOP IT!! I AM NOW LESS MANLY LOOKING THAN LENALEE, AND THAT'S _WITH_ MY LACK OF GIRL-BITS ON FULL DISPLAY IN THIS FUCKING PEDO-BAIT "UNIFORM."

ME: JUST DROPPING IN TO ADD A 'THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID' AFTER THIS LOVELY QUOTE: "I'LL JUST SWALLOW IT ALL, AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER."

CHIBI!KANDA: THE TRANSLATORS ARE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE.

SHOTACON: Y HELLO THAR.

CHIBI!KANDA: OMG :D I AM ACTUALLY HAPPY TO SEE YOU!!

SHOTACON: I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE ALRIGHT! NOW HOLD STILL AND LET ME KILL YOU.

CHIBI!KANDA: D:

ME: OH YOU DID NOT JUST KILL EDGAR. BITCH I'M GLAD U GON DIE.

SHOTACON: *IS CREEPY*

CHIBI!KANDA: DO I EVEN GET AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS ONE?

SHOTACON: WELL I'M HAPPY TO SEE YOU AND ALL, BUT YOU KNOW, MURDEROUS RAMPAGE. "EVERYONE MUST GO" SORT OF THING.

ME: IT'S LIKE YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE THE TRUST ISSUES FORMING!

CHIBI!KANDA: BUT— HOSHINO, I AM TRYING TO TALK HIM DOWN, WAS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO POSSITION ME INBETWEEN MARIE'S LEGS? I KNOW IT'S HARD, BUT TRY TO TONE DOWN THE SODOMY JUST A LITTLE, NOW IS NOT THE TIME.

SHOTACON: ATTACK!

CHIBI!KANDA: AUGH MY ARM. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I LOST THAT ARM IN THIS FLASHBACK? I FEEL LIKE IT'S IN THE DOUBLE-DIGITS.

SHOTACON: O HAY YOU HAVE INNOCENCE TOO! FUN TIMES.

CHIBI!KANDA: ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO TELL ME WHY YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME?

SHOTACON: NO, BUT I WILL MONOLOGUE AT YOU. I USED TO SIT BY THE COMAFETUS PODS ALL ALONE—

CHIBI!KANDA: NERD.

SHOTACON: —AND WAIT FOR THEM TO WAKE UP, BUT THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO WAKE UP BECAUSE THE WORLD KINDA SUCKS. STILL, I TALKED TO THEM AND **HAHAHAHAH.**

CHIBI!KANDA: NOT GOING TO LIE, YOU ARE KIND OF FREAKING ME OUT.

SHOTACON: SO THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

CHIBI!KANDA: WHAT? THAT MAKES NO SENSE. I'M JUST GOING TO GO OUT ON A LIMB HERE AND SAY YOU REMEMBERED STUFF AND WENT BATSHIT.

(HURRAY FOR SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECIES. GOOD CALL THERE, SCIENCE TEAM. IT'S EASY TO PICK ON YOU NOW, SEEING HOW DEAD YOU ALL ARE.)

SHOTACON: I'M AN AKUMA!

CHIBI!KANDA: YOU— WHAT?

SHOTACON: METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING *STABS SELF*

CHIBI!KANDA: ALRIGHT…

SHOTACON: I CAN'T STOP MYSELF YUU!!! *RANDOMLY BITCHSLAPS MARIE*

CHIBI!KANDA: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, ALMA!

ME: *HAS _GOOD WILL HUNTING_ FLASHBACKS* WELL THAT MOVIE IS FOREVER RUINED FOR ME.

SHOTACON: *HUG-STABS CHIBI!KANDA* LET'S DIE TOGETHER.

ALLEN: I'M KIND OF UNCOMFORTABLE WATCHING THIS.

ROAD: *SCRIBBLING* I AM 500 WORDS INTO A SMUTTY FANFICTION.

ALLEN: I'M GOING TO GO KILL MYSELF NOW.

ROAD: SH, TRYING TO WATCH!

CHIBI!KANDA: SPARKLY SHOJO EYES AND FLOWER PETALS. MAYBE I AM A GIRL.

WOMAN: FLOWERRRRR

CHIBI!KANDA: GOD **SHUT UP** I GET IT! FLOWER! YOU WANT TO SEE FLOWERS! BE MY FUCKING GUEST!!

WOMAN: FLOOOOOWEEEEERSSSSS

CHIBI!KANDA: FUCK IT. SRY ALMA, LOVE HER MORE THAN I LOVE YOU.

SHOTACON: D: WHAT?

CHIBI!KANDA: HELPS THAT SHE'S NOT ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL ME. SO YEAH, KILLING YOU NOW.

TEXT BLURBS: "ALMA, MY ONE AND ONLY"

ME: I AM GETTING A VERY CONFLICTING PRESENTATION OF KANDA'S SEXUALITY HERE. ALSO, THAT CHICK BETTER HOPE SHE DOESN'T COME INTO THE ACTUAL STORY BECAUSE SHE WOULD BE THE **MOST HATED CHARACTER EVER**. I FEEL THE VIBRATIONS FROM A MILLION FANGIRLS SHAKING IN ANGER ALREADY.

SHOTACON: HEY NO FAIR, I'M ALLOWED TO KILL YOU BUT YOU'RE NOT—

CHIBI!KANDA: *SLASH*

SHOTACON: HEY, FUCK YOU! ALL I EVER WANTED WAS YOUR LOVE!!

CHIBI!KANDA: WELL THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO KILL ME FOR NO REASON. LATER, DEAD GUY.

ALLEN: THIS IS THE MOST DEPRESSING THING EVER. NOW I FEEL LIKE A DOUCHE FOR BEING MEAN TO HIM.

ROAD: *MUNCHES POPCORN* I LOVE MY SOAPS.


	7. Chapter 194

_IN HONOR OF THIS FLASHBACK FINALLY ENDING, AS WELL AS THIS SILLY THING GETTING OVER A HUNDRED REVIEWS (HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS), I GIVE YOU A SONG. I CALL IT FRESH PRINCE OF MINDRAPE_

ALLEN: WELL THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW,

MY LIFE GOT FLIP-TURNED UPSIDE DOWN.

AND I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE JUST SIT THERE JAKE,

I'LL TELL YOU HOW I BECAME THE CONSTANT VICTIM OF MINDRAPE.

SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE I WAS BORN AND RAISED,

IN THE CIRCUS IS WHERE I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS.

MANA DIED AND CURSED ME SO I TRAVELED WITH MASTER,

HE KNOCKED ME OUT AND LEFT ME TO HOOK UP WITH THE ORDER.

THEN HOSHINO GOT HURT, AND THE ART STYLE CHANGED;

MADE US LOOK REAL BISH AND KANDA FLAMING GAY.

I RAN TO ONE LITTLE RESCUE AND THE FANS ALL CAME,

SCREAMING "GO HAVE BUTTSECKS" WITHOUT A HINT OF SHAME.

KANDA: WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP? THAT MEME IS OLD AS SHIT, AND THIS IS MY ARC.

ALLEN: YEAH WHATEVER GAYLORD.

KANDA: SHOTACON'S STALKING IS COMPLETELY NON-CONSENSUAL.

ALLEN: W/E.

KANDA: YOU LOOK JUST AS GIRLY AS I DO!

ALLEN: AT LEAST I HAVE A SEMI-CANON LOVE INTEREST! THE ULTIMATE MARK OF A MAIN CHARACTER! WHAT NOW.

KANDA: PLEASE, THIS IS A SHONEN MANGA, THE CHANCES OF YOU GETTING LAID OUTSIDE OF AN EPILOGUE ARE EXACTLY ZERO.

ALLEN: FUCK. YOU. I'M GOING TO GO PRACTICE MY RAPPING.

KANDA: YOU DO THAT. I'LL BE HERE, RELIVING MY ENTIRE FUCKING AWFUL CHILDHOOD.

ALLEN: I DON'T REALLY CARE. LIKE, AT ALL. I HAVE NO INTEREST IN YOUR BACKSTORY. WHY AM I EVEN HERE?

KANDA: FUCK IF I KNOW.

CHAPTER 194

NOW ONTO THE COVER PAGE. THIS COVER PAGE. I JUST DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH WORDS FOR IT. JUST, _LORD_. WHERE TO START. I WILL GIVE HOSHINO THIS, I HAD THOUGHT THAT ALLEN WAS STABBING A TECHNICOLOR DEMON THING WITH THE VIRGIN MARY ON A STICK, ATTEMPTING TO TELL US THAT ALLEN IS IN FACT JESUS (DUH), BUT APPARENTLY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE KALI MA, THE HINDU GODDESS OF DIVINE RETRIBUTION, WHO IS OFTEN DEPICTED WEARING SKULLS WITH A DEMON THINGY AT HER FEET. ACCORDING TO THEBES, ANYWAY, AND I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE HER WITHOUT GOING THROUGH THE TROUBLE OF WIKI-ING IT. SO THAT'S KIND OF COOL. BUT IT DOES NOT MAKE UP FOR THE ATROCITY THAT IS ALLEN ON THIS COVER. I STAND BY MY ORIGINAL STATEMENT THAT HE LOOKS LIKE A FINAL FANTASY INSPIRED GEISHA. HE IS APPARENTLY TAKING PART IN A FAB-OFF WITH KANDA AND SHERYL, AND HE IS LOSING. HOSHINO'S LOVE AFFAIR WITH PURPLE HAS OFFICIALLY GONE TOO FAR. WELL I GUESS IT PROBABLY WENT TOO FAR WHEN KANDA SHOWED UP IN A PURPLE SANTA SUIT AND HAT, BUT I WAS TOO PREOCCUPIED WITH SAID OUTFIT TO REALLY NOTICE IT AT THE TIME. I WAS YOUNGER THEN, LESS JADED.

ANYWAY. FROM WHAT I CAN TELL, ALLEN IS ATTEMPTING TO STYLE HIS HAIR AFTER KANDA, PERHAPS TRYING TO STEAL HIS SCREENTIME OR HIDE FROM ROAD'S GRABBY HANDS. THIS PROBABLY SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HIS PERCEPTION OF KANDA, AS HE LOOKS LIKE THE LOVE CHILD OF SEPHIROTH AND EDWARD ELRIC. THERE ARE JUST NOT ENOUGH WORDS FOR ME TO ACCURATELY DESCRIBE THIS COVER. I HAVE NEVER WEPT THIS OPENLY OVER ANY OFFICIAL ALLEN ART. HE IS WEARING A FREAKING PURPLE DRESS WITH A FAIL S&M BELT, RANDOMLY HANDCUFFED TO SOMETHING WHILE STABBING A RABBID DEMON WITH HIS HINDU GODDESS STICK. I COULD GO ON FOR THE ENTIRE SUMMARY JUST ATTEMPTING TO CONVEY HOW MUCH WTF THIS COVER IS MADE OF, BUT THERE ARE 20 MORE PAGES OF THIS SHIT SO I AM GOING TO FORCE MYSELF TO MOVE ON.

WAIT NO I'M NOT. THE CAPTION SAYS "BOUND BY KARMA, BUT STILL DIGNIFIED." JUST LET THAT SINK IN A MOMENT. **DIGNIFIED**. I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH IRONY OR SNARK IN ME. THAT SOUND WAS MY BRAIN THROWING UP. THE WORLD SEEMS A LITTLE DARKER. I'M JUST… I'M JUST GOING TO MOVE ON, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE FOR HOSHINO TO ONE-UP THE HORSEHEADFISH SO QUICKLY, BUT THIS IS AT LEAST AT THAT LEVEL.

SO WE BEGIN WITH WHAT I HOPE TO GOD WILL BE THE LAST OF CHIBI!KANDA BEING HIS LITTLE EMO SELF, BEFORE ALLEN SMASHES HIS WAY BACK INTO THE SPOTLIGHT AND— CHRIST. _ALLEN_, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?! HE'S MAKING SHOTACON FACES! ONLY MAYO BOY IS ALLOWED TO MAKE THAT AWFUL EXPRESSION, THE FACE EVEN A MOTHER COULDN'T LOVE. THAT IS NOT ALLEN. HOSHINO, PLEASE LOOK BACK OVER YOUR WORK AND REMEMBER WHAT YOUR CHARACTERS LOOK LIKE. I JUST, AUGH. I WILL TRY TO GET OVER HOW OFF-PUTTING THIS ART IS, BUT IT AIN'T EASY.

RETARDO FACE ALLEN: KANDA YOU DUMBASS, I'M SICK OF YOU HOGGING ALL THE SCREENTIME FOR YOUR STUPID FLASHBACK NO ONE CARES ABOUT! IT'S MY TIME TO SHINE! LETTING YOURSELF BE USED BY THAT TURBANED BASTARD—

WISELY: HEY! RACIST MUCH!

RETARDO: FORCING US TO SIT THROUGH THIS GOD-AWFUL FLASHBACK FOR **THREE **ENTIRE CHAPTERS, WHILE I WAS QUIETLY RAPED IN THE BACKGROUND, NO MORE! *TWISTS BODY IN EXTREMELY AWKWARD POSE*

WISELY: UM WHAT ARE YOU—

RETARDO: *FALCON PAWNCH* HEY LOOK, MY ARM'S ALL BETTER! NO MORE MUTATION!

ME: LAZY SCREEN TONE ASSISTANTS ARE LAZY.

WISELY: AUGH MY BRAIN OW.

RETARDO: WOW, KANDA'S JUST LIKE A SLINKY! I SHOULD PUNCH HIM MORE OFTEN, IT ACTUALLY SOLVES PROBLEMS.

ROAD: THAT'S PRETTY MERCILESS—

ALLEN (GETTING HIS FACE BACK): DON'T EVEN START.

ROAD: YEAH I WAS NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE. TRY STABBING HIM WITH CANDLES.

WISELY: THE PAAAAAIN.

SHERYL: HA, INCOMPETENCE. LET'S POKE HIM WITH A STICK.

ME: SHERYL IS HONESTLY MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IN THIS CHAPTER. I AM SO DISAPPOINT.

ROAD: BUT IT'S TOO LATE!

ALLEN: SERIOUSLY YOU ARE NOT MENACING. YOU ARE A PLUSHIE. NONE OF US ARE TAKING YOU SERIOUSLY.

SIR AMPUTATION: WALKERRRRRRR

ALLEN: GUHHHH, DON'T TELL ME I'VE GOT ANOTHER STALKER.

ME: BONUS POINTS IF YOU MAKE IT UP TO 10 BEFORE CHAPTER 200. HEY HOSHINO: YOU WON'T! _YOU WON'T!_

SIR AMPUTATION: STOP ALMAAAAAAAAA!!

ALLEN: YEAH WHATEV— HOLY SHIT!

WATER PIPES: *BREAK THINGS, GRAB PEOPLE**ARE MORE MANLY THAN ANY OF THE ACTUAL CHARACTERS*

CURRENT MAN POINT STANDINGS: KANDA: -3, ALLEN: 1, WATER PIPES: 27

LEVERRIER: *IS TENTACLE/WATER PIPE RAPED* OH THE PAIN! YET… STRANGELY AROUSING.

EVERYONE: ***DIES A LITTLE INSIDE***

SCIENCE DEPARTMENT: *IS ALSO TENTACLE RAPED* SAVE USSSSSS!!

ALLEN: ARE YOU KIDDING? WITH MY UKE STATUS ALREADY CEMENTED AMONG THE FANDOM? I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!

ALMA: *TURNS INTO SOMETHING STRAIGHT OUT OF A BLEACH FILLER*

SCREEN TONE ASSISTANTS: FUCK IT, WHY BOTHER FILLING IN ANYTHING? PAYDAY IS TOMORROW, I'M SURE NO ONE WILL NOTICE. IT'S "DYNAMIC."

MENOS KARMA: *ASSUMES PENIS-HIDING FETAL POSITION*

BAK: SUDDEN PLOT POINT EXPOSITION! HATRED DARK MATTER ENERGY!

JOHNNY: ALLENNNNNN!! ALMA'S GOING TO BECOME AN AKUMAAAAAA (SOMEHOW)!!! MAKE IT STOPPPPPP!!!!!

RETARDO RETURNS: NO WAI

JOHNNY: YA WAI.

WATER PIPE ORGY: OMGGGG!!!

EARL: FINISH THEM.

ALLEN: NOOOOO!!

ME: BULLSHIT. WE ALL KNOW THAT JOHNNY IS THE REAL MAIN CHARACTER, YOU ARE TOTALLY NOT GOING TO KILL HIM. I CALL YOUR BLUFF, HOSHINO.

**~SPLOSION~**

LINK AND TEVAK: WE SOMEHOW SEE THIS BECAUSE WE ARE SOMEHOW NOW IN THE UNITED STATES!

LINK: IT WAS A LONG WALK FROM JORDAN, BUT WE MADE IT!

TEVAK: GOOD THINGS THOSE FLASHBACKS HAPPENED IN REAL TIME, CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT IT WAS LIKE FOR EVERYONE ELSE JUST SITTING THERE FOR FOUR MONTHS.

HEADQUARTERS: UM YOU GUYS WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

LINK: I THINK THE NORTH AMERICAN BRANCH JUST EXPLODED, BUT IT'S WHATEVER.

TEVAK: ***CRAZY EYEGASM***

ME: OMG SHE AND ALLEN ARE TOTALLY TWINS SEPARATED AT BIRTH, CALLING IT NOW! I READ YOU LIKE A BOOK DGM. YOU ALSO HAPPEN TO BE A BOOK BUT… SHUT UP.

LINK: I'M TIIIIIRED.

HQ: MAN UP.

TEVAK: WTF JUST HAPPENED?

ME: YOUR EYE SPAWNED A NEW PAIRING? I CALL IT TEVAKEN.

MENOS KARMA: RAAAAAAR *EATING SOME SORT OF GLOBE… ENERGY… THING IDFK*

NORMAL ALMA: *FALLING**RANDOMLY HAS A TAIL AND PANTS NOW**WE WON'T QUESTION IT BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN ALMA'S ASS MORE TIMES THAN I EVER WANTED TO AS IS**LANDS**DOES BEST TARZAN IMPRESSION* ME TARZAN. YU JANE.

ME: I THOROUGHLY APOLOGIZE FOR THAT AWFUL, AWFUL PUN. SEE WHAT THIS CHAPTER HAS DONE TO ME? I AM IN PHYSICAL PAIN.

ALMA: YUUU ARE YOU IN THERE??

KANDA: NO. HE WENT HOME.

_EN-_

KANDA: WAIT. NO. WE ARE NOT ENDING THIS CHAPTER LIKE THIS.

ALLEN: WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

KANDA: I JUST GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE, AND DIDN'T GET _A SINGLE LINE IN THE ENTIRE DAMN CHAPTER._

ALLEN: HAH, WOW. WELL NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FELT WHEN HOSHINO IGNORED MY SCREAMS DURING YOUR FUCKING FLASHBACKS. MY PLAN ON THE COVER WORKED!

KANDA: GIVE ME BACK MY SCREENTIME!

ALLEN: FUCK NO, I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER AGAIN!

KANDA: YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE A BAG OF SMASHED ASS IN EVERY OTHER PANEL.

ALLEN: _I WILL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET._

_END._ AND MY INITIAL REACTION TO THIS CHAPTER ONLY BEING 20 PAGES, FOR FUN TIMES:

"WAIT WHAT THE HELL? 20 FUCKING PAGES? BULLSHIT HOSHINO! YOU WHORE!  
I WAITED OVER A GOD DAMN MONTH FOR THIS AND YOU GIVE ME 20 PAGES?! WHEN I AM ONLY 50% CONVINCED THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY THE ONE DRAWING IT?! BULLSHIIIIIIIIIIT. I AM WRITING AN ANGRY LETTER."

* * *

So, one hundred review. That is kind of awesome, I've never had a story get that many before, and I want to do something special-ish for it as a thank you. I was thinking an illustration of one/a couple of the scenes in this (capslocked beyond canon recognition of course). Any ideas? Drop me a review/PM.


	8. Chapter 195

CHAPTER 195

_LAST TIME, HOSHINO FORGOT HOW TO DRAW HER CHARACTERS, THE SCREEN TONE ASSISTANTS GOT HELLA LAZY, SHOTACON (NO LONGER A SHOTA) BECAME CONSCIOUS, THERE WAS MUCH TENTACLE RAPE, AND…. I DON'T EVEN KNOW. LET'S JUST MOVE ON TO THIS CHAPTER. WE START WITH—_

JOHNNY: ALLEEEEN (ACTUAL LINE, COMPLETE WITH CAPSLOCK)

_GOODIE. REST ASSURED DEAR VIEWERS, THE NEWEST ADDITION TO ALLEN'S STALKER ROSTER (AND POSSIBLE MAIN CHARACTER) IS NOT DEAD. YOU REALLY HAD US GOING FOR A MINUTE THERE, HOSHINO. DON'T PLAY WITH OUR HEARTS LIKE THAT._

JOHNNY: AAAAAALLEEEEEEEEENNNN

ALLEN: WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP, I'M COM- OOF *ROCK PUNCHED*

TENTACLE MONSTER: *EXPLODES*

EVERYONE: *IS MAGICALLY ALIVE**WHAT A SHOCK*

ALLEN: THIS LIGHT COMING FROM ALMA IS THE AKUMA VIRUS!... SOMEHOW!

ALMA: *EXPLODES AGAIN*

ALLEN: IS THIS A THING WITH YOU? COULD YOU STOP?

TYKI: *IS HOLDING WISELY BRIDAL STYLE…. BECAUSE*

SHERYL: BROTHER, YOU'RE MAKING US A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOUR FLAMBOYANCE AND BADTOUCH.

ALMA: *IS SUDDENLY CLOTHED IN… AN OUTFIT LADY GAGA ONLY WISHES SHE COULD THINK UP**AND HAS A TAIL**BECAUSE AS LONG AS WE DON'T HAVE TO SEE ANY MORE ALMA ASS, WE WILL ACCEPT ANYTHING* WHOOPSIES, LOOKS LIKE I KILLED SOMEONE. DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A NAME CHARACTER THOUGH SO WHATEVER.

KANDA: THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THE ONLY PERSON TO EVER LOVE US. KIND OF HARD TO TELL WHAT WITH HIM BEING IN TINY PIECES. OH, AND I'M MANLY AGAIN, BTW.

FANGIRLS: *CHEER*

ALMA: *EYES SPARKLE LIKE A KID ON CHRISTMAS* YU! 8D

KANDA: :|

ALMA: D:

ALLEN: UGH, WHAT HAPPENED?

MANGLED REMAINS OF TOKUSA: YOU KNOW HOW YOU HAVE THIS COMPLEX WHERE YOU WANT TO SAVE EVERYONE AT THE EXPENSE OF YOURSELF?

ALLEN: YES?

TOKUSA: **HA. **LOOKIT WHAT I DID!

ALLEN: DAMMIT! THAT IS MY SHTICK!

TOKUSA: SUCK IT *KNEES IN HEAD* LISTEN AS I LECTURE YOU ON THE PHILOSOPHY OF WAR AND THE RAMIFICATIONS OF HAVING A SMALL VIEW OF**OHGOD** *EYEGASM*

ALLEN: AGAIN WITH THE STEALING OF MY THING! _THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE._

JOHNNY: HEY ALLEN!

RETARDO: *THREATENS TO RETURN*

ME: GO BACK! GO BACK! THE ART HAS BEEN SO NICE *SOB*

JOHNNY: ALLEN?

ALLEN: SORRY, MY EAR JUST… I DON'T EVEN KNOW. HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?

JOHNNY: I'M HOSHINO'S FAVORITE. EVERYONE ELSE IS COOL TOO. INCLUDING LEVERRIER. I KNOW EVERYONE WAS WORRIED ABOUT LEVERRIER.

LINK: *FROM MANY MILES AWAY* I WAS!

ALLEN: WELL HUZZAH THEN.

EARL: IIIIIT'S RAPE TIME!

ALMA: YAY! *IS A CREEPY MOTHER FUCKER*

THIRD EXORCISTS: *EYEGASM* STOP THAT.

TOKUSA: *IS ESPECIALLY MESSED UP*

ME: SOMEONE PLEASE PUT THIS KID OUT OF HIS MISERY.

THE FORCES THAT BE (HOSHINO): *OMINOUS LAUGHTER*

ME: WHAT ELSE COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO TO HIM?

HOSHINO: **MWAHAHAHAHA**

ME: OLORD

ALMA: I FINALLY GET WHY YOU DECIDED TO KILL ME INSTEAD OF JUST SIT STILL AND LET ME KILL YOU! *REGENERATES**GETS QUICK TRIM AND DYE JOB*

KANDA: OH REALLY?

ALMA: IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU THAT THE HUMANS DIDN'T REPENT, AND I BECAME AN AKUMA!

KANDA: I DON'T THINK YOU ACTUALLY GET THIS AT A—

ALLEN: **HOLY FUCK**

KANDA: BEANSPROUT YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF ATTENTION RIGHT NOW, PIPE DOWN.

ALLEN: DO YOU EVEN SEE THIS THING? JUST, AUGH! LOOK!

TOKUSA: *SUDDENLY SPROUTING MINI-CLOVERFIELD MONSTERS FROM WHAT WAS LEFT OF HIS LIMB-STUMPS* WHAT COULD I HAVE POSSIBLY DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

ALLEN: *VOMITS*

KANDA: ANYWAY. KILLING ALMA NOW KTHX.

TOKUSA: *… BODY HORROR DOES NOT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT**HIGH OCTANE NIGHTMARE FUEL BARELY SKIMS THE SURFACE*

ALLEN: *FAINTS*

TOKUSA THING OR ALMA (I CAN'T FUCKING TELL AT THIS POINT): *ATTACKS*

ALLEN: THE—_HRK_— AKUMA CELLS IN THE THIRDS ARE GOING CRAZY BECAUSE… ALMA'S TURNING INTO AN AKUMA, AND… I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS. _LOOK AT THAT THING._

TOKUSA: SAVE MEEE!

ALLEN: NO, THAT IS... AN ABOMINATION AGAINST NATURE DOES NOT EVEN BEGIN TO COVER IT. THERE IS NO GOD. THAT WOULD NOT EXIST IF THERE WAS A LOVING GOD.

TOKUSA: HEL-

ALLEN: WILL YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE TO GET OVER THIS? I MEAN, _JESUS._ THAT IS A MIXTURE BETWEEN MY NIGHTMARES AND THE BROKEN DREAMS OF ALL CHILDREN. I AM GOING TO SEE THAT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES FOR THE NEXT MONTH.

TOKUSA: THE PAIN!

ALLEN: UGH, SOMEONE KILL IT! CROWN CLOWN!

TOKUSA: YOU TEAM KILLING BASTARD!

ALLEN: AUGH STOP LOOKING AT ME! *SLASH* WAIT I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT.

EARL: LULZ!

TOKUSA: ABOUT THIS KILLING ME THING, I AM KIND OF NOT ONBOARD.

ALLEN: WELL THIS SEEMS LIKE AS GOOD AN EXCUSE AS ANY TO CEMENT MY STATUS AS JESUS. I'LL SACRIFICE MYSELF TO SAVE YOU!

_~ELSEWHERE~_

THIRD EXORCISTS: *ALMA RAPEFACES EXPLODE FROM STOMACHS*

ME: OKAY, WHO THE HELL LET HOSHINO WATCH ALIEN BEFORE MAKING THE STORYBOARD FOR THIS CHAPTER?

LENALEE: WHAT'S HAPPENING?

ME: **LENALEE OH MY GOD IT'S LENALEE **_**LENALEE **__**LENALEE **_**YOU LOOK AMAZING LENALEE OMGOMGOMG I MISSED YOU SO MUCH **_**LENALEEEEE!11!11**_

LENALEE: *EXPLODES*

ME: **D8**

LENALEE'S ASS: SO I HERD YOU'VE BEEN MISSING ME?

EVERYONE: **8D**

LAVI: CAMEO TIME! I AM STILL HERE! WELL I THINK THAT'S EVERYONE.

MIRANDA: I DIDN'T GET—

LAVI: YEP, EVERYONE IMPORTANT.

LINK: *SOMEHOW FIGHTING OFF UPWARDS OF TWO LEVEL 4S WHILE GIVING TEVAK A PEP TALK*

ME: WUT.

LINK: I'M JUST THAT AWESOME.

ME:… NO. I AM NOT BUYING THIS AT ALL.

TEVAK: *RESISTS EYEGASMING*

ALMA: *IS FIRIN' HIS BLAAAAAARGH*

KANDA: *ACTIVATES SHARINGAN*

ALMA: *TREATS US TO ANOTHER ASS SHOT**MAKES SILLY, SILLY FACES*

KANDA: *IS FUCKING AWESOME*

ME: WELL I KNOW WHO I'M ROOTING FOR.

ALMA: OMG UR SO COOL.

KANDA: YES *MEGA SHARINGAN*

NOTE: UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, KANDA GETS ALL OF THE MAN POINTS.

ALMA: DO YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS?

KANDA: YOU DON'T *STAB*

ALLEN: KANDA, STOP FIGHTING SO SERIOUSLY! YOU SHOULD DO AS I DO! *GETS ASS KICKED*

TOKUSA: FOR THE RECORD, I AM STILL THE GOOD GUY *PUNTS*

ALLEN: I CAN'T FIGHT BACK, THAT WOULD JUST BE SILLY. WHAT CAN I DO?

EARL: YOU CAN COME WITH US!

**DUN DUN DUN**

ALLEN: THAT IS THE WORST IDEA EVER. FUCK NO.

EARL: WHY NO—

ALLEN: I _JUST FINISHED_ GETTING MOLESTED BY ROAD. I HAVE YEARS OF THERAPY AHEAD OF ME BEFORE I EVEN CONSIDER GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOU ASSHOLES!

KANDA: WELL YOU'RE KIND OF GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED SO THINK OF SOMETHING.

ME: I VOTE LENALEE RUNS OVER FROM GREECE AND SAVES THE DAY. IT WORKED LAST TIME.

ALLEN: EVEN THAT IS A BETTER IDEA THAN GOING WITH YOU.

EARL: WELL SHUT UP AND LET'S PRETEND THAT THIS IS SUSPENSEFUL ANYWAY.

~END~

_(OH AND THOSE THINGS YOU WANTED ME TO DRAW WILL BE DRAWN NEXT MONTH, BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER SNUCK UP ON ME)_


	9. Chapter 196

**CHAPTER 196**

WE OPEN WITH **HOLY SHIT EARL WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?** MY GOD, THOSE EYES, THAT— AUGH! HE IS LOOKING DIRECTLY AT ME NO MATTER WHERE I GO! WE ARE JUST GOING TO FOCUS ON ALLEN'S NOT-YET-LEGAL ABS FOR NOW. UNTIL THE PAIN GOES AWAY. (IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY).

EARL: COME WITH ME AND I'LL STOP KILLING EVERYONE!

ALLEN: *COUGH*BULLSHIT

EARL: NO, FOR SERIOUS. I CAN STOP ALL OF THIS AT ANY TIME, I AM YOUR GOD.

TOKUSA…THING(WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN): *BREAKS THING**MOSTLY ALLEN'S*

ALLEN: ARGH THE PAIN!

SHERYL: THIS LOOKS A LOT LIKE THAT ONE TENTACLE RAPE DOUJINSHI I KEEP UNDER MY PILLOW…

ALLEN: **ARGH**

EARL: ANYWAY I CAN SAVE EVERYONE, DESTROY THEIR DARK MATTER AND STUFF. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY COME WITH ME!

EVERYONE: OUR SHOCKED FACES, LET US SHOW YOU THEM!

KANDA: MY SHOCKED FACE TRUMPS ALL OF YOUR LESSER SHOCKED FACES COMBINED!

ALMA: I HAVE NO SHOCKED FACE, FOR I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT. I ONLY WANT US TO MAKE SWEET, PASSIONATE BATTLE TOGETHER.

KANDA: … YOU'RE MAKING ME A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

ALMA: DIEDIEDIE *ATTACKS*

KANDA: GAH!

ALLEN: KANDA!

KANDA: YOU SHUT THE HELL UP.

ALLEN: BUT I-

KANDA: I CAN'T DEAL WITH YUMA AND YULLEN SHIPPERS AT ONCE, YOU DON'T TALK TO ME THIS CHAPTER.

ALMA: PHALLIC SYMBOL ATTACK!

KANDA: GAAAAH THE INDIGNITY IS WORSE THAN THE PAIN!

WOMAN: I'LL WAIT FOR YOU WITH MY FLOOOOOOWERS.

KANDA: ARE YOU PEOPLE _TRYING_ TO START A PAIRING WAR?

WOMAN: MAYBE.

KANDA: YOU FIEND.

ROAD: I VOTE YUMA!

WISELY: NO, YULLEN!

TYKI: TYLLEN!

ROAD: YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR YOURSELF.

SHERYL: I SHIP _**EVERYONE.**_

BAK: WELL AS USUAL IT'S UP TO ME TO SAVE THE DAY. ALMA, QUIT BEING A DOUCHE!

TOKUSA-ALMA-HYBRID-THING: EDGAAAAAR.

BAK: NO THAT WAS MY- AHHHH PAIN.

EVERYONE: *PROJECTILE BLOOD VOMIT*

BAK: TOKUSA, DON'T GIVE IN TO THE HATRED!

WE'LL-JUST-CALL-HIM-"THING": TOO LATE.

BAK: WELL I TRIED.

THING: *BREAKS ALLEN IN HALF*

ROAD: THAT'S WHAT I DO TO MY ALLEN DOLL TOO! AMONG OTHER THINGS.

SHERYL: TMI.

EARL: COME WITH UUUUUS~

ALLEN: HKJASDFKH.

EARL: PLEASE? I HAVE CANDY.

JOHNNY: TIME TO PROVE MY WORTH AS THE TRUE MAIN CHARACTER. EARL, WHY DO YOU WANT TO KIDNAP ALLEN? DIDN'T THE 14TH KIND OF TRY TO KILL YOU?

ALLEN: STOP STEALING MY SCREENTIME YOU LITTLE BITCH.

JOHNNY: IT'S ALL MINE NOW.

EARL: *CREEPY FACE OF CREEPY* I WANT TO BE BY THE 14TH'S SIDE [ACTUAL LINE]

EVERYONE: …

SHERYL: … NOT EVEN THE EARL IS IMMUNE TO ALLEN-SHIPPING?

ME: STUPID SEXY ALLEN.

TYKI: HEY STEP OFF HE'S MINE.

ROAD: MINE.

WISELY: KAND—

TYKI: I WILL STAB YOU IN THE THROAT.

ALLEN: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE JUST KILL ME? STEP UP AND FINISH THE JOB FOR ONCE.

BAK: AND WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS DICKING AROUND, BAK TO THE RESCUE! APPARENTLY THAT THING ON MY HAT WAS A POKEBALL THIS WHOLE TIME. FO, I CHOOSE YOU!

FO: FOUUUUU!

THING: *GETS HURT, I THINK**I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS UGLY MOFO EVEN WORKS, IT'S HARD TO TELL IF IT'S INJURED OR IF IT JUST HURTS TO BE IT*

FO: FO! FOFO FOO FO! (QUICK, DESTROY ALMA!)

ALLEN: ….

FO: … FO FOO FO. (YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT, ARE YOU?)

ALLEN: MESSIAH COMPLEX?

FO: FO. (YOU FUCKING MORON.)

TYKI: GIRL YOU HAD BEST STEP AWAY FROM MY ALLEN! *CLAWS*

FO: FOOU FOFO FO FOO. (MOTHERFUCKER.)

TYKI: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.

BAK: FO— WHAT IS WITH MY MOUTH? DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE A REALLY WEIRD LOOKING MOUTH THIS MONTH?

TYKI: NOW THEN, COME LIVE WITH US ALLEN~ YOU CAN SHARE MY ROOM!

FO: FO! (ALLEN, YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND TRYING TO SAVE EVERYONE AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE. WE ALL HAVE THINGS THAT WE WANT TO PROTECT, SAVING SOMEONE ISN'T THAT SIMPLE!)

TYKI: QUIET NOW, MOMMY AND DADDY ARE TALKING. *ENERGY ATTACK THING HE CAN APPARENTLY DO NOW*

ALLEN: TO THE RESCUE! NOT SIMPLE MY ASS, THAT WAS EASY.

FO: FOOOU FO FO. (YOU'RE MISSING MY POINT).

ALLEN: NONSENSE! HERO, AWAY!

ALL: YAY ALLEN! *WAVE POMPOMS*

ALLEN: YE—AUGH MY LEG.

SOMETHING: *NOMS ON LEG*

ALLEN: WTF? A CATFISH?

ME: ALLEN… THAT IS NOT AT ALL WHAT A CATFISH LOOKS LIKE. AT ALL. YOU LOOK MORE LIKE A CATFISH THAN THAT THING DOES.

OLD MAN: I'M HEALING YOU AT THE EXPENSE OF MY OWN LIFE!

ALLEN: DIDN'T YOU DIE IN THE LAST CHAPTER?

OLD MAN: NO!

ALLEN: ARE YOU SU—

OLD MAN: DON'T YOU BACK-SASS ME SONNY!

ALLEN: ALRIGHT WHATEVER.

OLD MAN: NOW THEN, THAT TOOK SUCH A TOLL ON ME I CAN'T DO IT AGAIN *SHRIVELS*

ALLEN: I WOULD CARE, BUT YOU'RE OLD. LATER!

OLD MAN: STAY OFF MY LAWN!

RENEE: REALLY ALLEN?

ALLEN: COME ON, HE'S GOT LIKE TWO WEEKS LEFT ANYWAY.

RENEE: WHATEVER. GO SAVE YU AND ALMA BEFORE HOSHINO COMPLETELY DE-CLOTHES ME.

ALLEN: I SUDDENLY MISS LENALEE.

KANDA: RAAAAAH MY HAIR IS ANGRY!

ALMA: MY PERFECTLY SCULPTED BUTTOCK IS ANGRY! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT?

KANDA: *ATTACKS*

ALMA: *BLAAAAAARGH*

KANDA: EFFEMINATE CRY OF PAIN!

ALMA: MAN BEING AN AKUMA IS AWESOME, THOUGH I'M STILL NOT ENTIRELY CLEAR ON HOW THAT ONE HAPPENED.

KANDA: MY HAIR IS DISPLEASED.

ALMA: IS THAT THING ALIVE?

KANDA: I CALL HIM FLUFFY. WE GO ON LONG WALKS TOGETHER. SOMETIMES, HE TELLS ME TO KILL PEOPLE.

ALMA:… ALRIGHT.

KANDA: LIKE NOW. **PSYCHOTIME.**

ALMA: FUUUUUU—

ALLEN: *CUTS IN* MUST PROTECT MAIN CHARACTER STATUS, MUST ALWAYS BE CENTER OF ATTENTION!

ALMA: WE'RE A LITTLE BUSY HERE.

KANDA: GHUAAAAARGH

ROAD: I SEE AN ALLEN SANDWICH~

SHERYL: KINKY.

**END**

IT'S TRIVIA TIME! LET'S GUESS HOW MANY ASS SHOTS ALMA HAS HAD SINCE HIS INTRODUCTION IN THE FLASHBACK. THAT'S SEVEN CHAPTERS! YES, I DID GO THROUGH THEM ALL AND COUNT. SO HOW MANY DO YOU THINK THERE ARE?

.

..

…

..

.

23! WOW!

FUN FACT, CHIBI!KANDA HAD ROUGHLY THE SAME AMOUNT! TUNE IN NEXT MONTH FOR MORE FUN TRIVIA.

OH AND HERE'S THAT ILLUSTRATION I PROMISED, THANKS FOR GIVING ME WAY MORE REVIEWS THAN THIS SILLY THING DESERVES (AND PLEASE CONTINUE TO): allegra-the-neko(dot)deviantart(dot)com/gallery/#/d2t6j7a


	10. Chapter 197

**CHAPTER 197**

_LAST TIME, JOHNNY CONTINUED TO FIGHT FOR HIS MAIN CHARACTER STATUS, KANDA'S HAIR MADE HIM KILL PEOPLE (MOSTLY ALMA), FO WAS REVEALED TO BE AN INEFFECTUAL POKÉMON, AND ALLEN CONTINUED TO FORCE HIS WAY INTO BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION ALWAYS, EVEN IF IT MEANT RISKING HIS OWN LIFE. OH, AND IT WAS REVEALED THAT LITERALLY EVERYONE IN DGM IS ALLENSEXUAL. EVEN THE EARL. ESPECIALLY THE EARL, IN FACT._

_AS A SIDE NOTE, IF YOU GUYS DON'T STOP LEAVING REVIEWS ASKING ME WHERE YOU CAN READ DGM NOW THAT ONEMANGA IS GONE, I AM GOING TO CHOKE A BITCH. I AM NOT FUCKING WIKIPEDIA. GOOGLE IT. NOW BACK TO YOUR SCHEDULED SUMMARY._

THE COVER IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE "WHAT" YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE THIS CHAPTER, DEPICTING GIGANTOR-TIMCANPY FACING OFF AGAINST TOTALLY-NOT-A-CATFISH GOLEM WITH ALLEN STUCK IN THE MIDDLE. APPARENTLY THAT'S HIS NEW THING. BE PREPARED FOR MANY AN ALLEN-SANDWICH IN THE FUTURE.

ALLEN: *BLOCKS KANDA'S ATTACK, FOR SOME REASON* ALMA, COULD YOU MOVE? SOMETHING IS POKING MY BACK.

ALMA: SORRY, I'M JUST REALLY HAPPY TO SEE YU.

ALLEN:… PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S NOT—

ALMA: IT IS MY PENIS.

KANDA'S HAIR: HOW DARE YOU GET IN MY WAY, MORTAL?

ALLEN: WELL YOU KNOW, MAIN CHARACTER AND ALL THAT. CAN'T HAVE A MAJOR PLOT POINT WITHOUT ME SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF IT! YOU ARE ALL NOTHING WITHOUT ME. _NOTHING_.

KANDA'S HAIR: YOUR ATTENTION WHORING DISPLEASES ME.

ALLEN: TOO BAD. WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ALMA WITH THAT CRAZYFACE, ANYWAY?

KANDA'S HAIR: DID YOU MISS THAT HE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME?

ALLEN: WELL YEAH, BUT… OKAY MAYBE THAT WAS A STUPID QUESTION.

KANDA'S HAIR: *ATTACKS*

SOMEONE, MAYBE RENEE (PLZ REMEMBER HOW TO DRAW HOSHINO): YU'S HAIR HAS TURNED LIGHT PURPLE? [ACTUAL LINE]

ZHU: … APPARENTLY. LOOKS LIKE HOSHINO'S LOVE AFFAIR WITH PURPLE FINALLY LEAKED INTO THE ACTUAL MANGA.

RENEE: THAT'S… PRETTY GAY.

ZHU: OH YEAH, _THIS_ IS THE LAST STRAW THAT TIPS US INTO GAY TERRITORY. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THIS ARC?

RENEE: COME ON, PURPLE? REALLY?

ZHU: PERSONALLY I BLAME THE RAP MUSIC. KANDA, YOUR HAIR IS GOING TO KILL YOU! IT'S DANGEROUSLY FABULOUS!

KANDA'S HAIR: ACTUALLY I'M KILLING ALMA RIGHT NOW *STABS* AND DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO SAY IT.

ALLEN: NO, KANDA! YOU CAN'T KILL HIM! NO ONE DIES IN DGM! *BLOODSPURT*

REEVER: OMG, KANDA'S TRYING TO KILL ALLEN!

JOHNNY: THIS IS SURPRISING HOW…?

ALMA'S AFTERBIRTH POD THING: *SHOCKS PEOPLE*

BAK: HOLD OUT JUST A LITTLE LONGER, POKEBALL! WAIT THAT JOKE DOESN'T MAKE SENSE ANYMORE.

FO: DON'T FALL HERE, BAK! IF YOU FALL HERE, IT'S THE END FOR EVERYONE!

BAK: REALLY?

ALLEN: THE HELL IT IS! I'M THE MAIN HERO HERE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

TYKI: *ATTACKING FO* I NEED MORE LINES.

OTHER NOAH: STFU. AT LEAST HOSHINO REMEMBERED THAT YOU'RE _HERE_.

ALLEN: OW, MY CHILD-BEARING HIPS ARE IN PAIN *DOES… SOMETHING WITH HIS LEGS, I DON'T EVEN. SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT HIS POSE ON PAGE 10*

ALMA: *BLASTS A **GIGANTIC HOLE THROUGH KANDA'S ABDOMEN** WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS DBZ DOING IN MY DGM* JUST GIVE UP!

KANDA'S HAIR: SEE, THIS. THIS IS WHY I'M ATTACKING HIM.

ALMA: DIEDIEDIE

ALLEN: *BLOCKS HIM LIKE ONLY A SHY MIDDLE SCHOOLER ON HIS FIRST DATE KNOWS HOW, INTERLOCKING THEIR FINGERS*

ALMA: UM.

ALLEN: YOU WERE THERE FOR THAT FLASHBACK TOO, RIGHT? I MEAN, THE ENTIRE POINT WAS FOR YOU TO SEE IT, I JUST KIND OF TAGGED ALONG FOR THE RIDE (A MISTAKE, IN RETROSPECT). SO CAN'T YOU FORGIVE KANDA?

ALMA: WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP HOLDING MY HAND?

KANDA'S HAIR: *FALLS TOWARDS THEM*

ALLEN: KAN-AUGH! *CAUGHT BY TENTACLE-TAIL THING* ALMA WHAT THE HELL?

ALMA: ISN'T IT NICE THAT WE'VE GOTTEN TO A POINT WHERE TENTACLE RAPE IS A MUST FOR EVERY CHAPTER?

EVERYONE EXCEPT SHERYL: NO.

ALMA: SO WHO THE HELL ARE YOU ANYWAY?

ALLEN: NGH, CHASTE HERO.

ALMA: WELL YOU SUCK AT BOTH PARTS OF THAT. I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YU, AS LONG AS HE LIVES—

BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT: *HAPPENS, FOR NO REASON I CAN DISCERN*

ALMA: *GASP*

ALLEN: WHAT?

ALMA: *SUDDENLY HAS A BALL/TATTOO WHERE HIS HEART SHOULD BE*

ALLEN: WHAT?

EARL: HIS REGENERATIVE ABILITY IS BREAKING DOWN.

ALLEN: WHY?

EARL: WELL WE JUST THREW HIM TOGETHER WITH SHIT WE HAD LAYING AROUND, SO, YOU KNOW. HE JUST GOT A POWER BOOST FROM THE EGG IS ALL.

ALLEN: YOU SUCK AT EXPOSITION, I'M STILL CONFUSED.

EARL: YOU KNOW… ALMA IS KARMA, RIGHT? [WORD FOR WORD, PEOPLE]

ALLEN: … _WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?_

EARL: LOOK KID I DON'T WRITE THE SCRIPT. IT MAKES SENSE, TRUST ME.

ALMA: STFU, EARL! I'M FINE!

ALLEN: I THINK THAT YOUR HEART MIGHT BE FALLING OUT. IN A COMPLETELY LITERAL WAY.

ALMA: TIS MERELY A FLESH WOUND. I JUST HAVE TO KILL YU!

ALLEN: WHY?

ALMA: _**DO NOT QUESTION MY MOTIVES.**_

KANDA'S HAIR: *ATTACKS* RARGH

ALLEN: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

KANDA'S HAIR: WHAT ARE _YOU_ DOING?

ALLEN: *HOLDING ALMA BRIDAL STYLE (I WISH I WAS MAKING THIS UP)* I'M STEALIN' UR WOMAN!

KANDA'S HAIR: YOU BASTARD! PUT HIM DOWN THIS INSTANT SO I CAN KILL HIM!

ALLEN: NO, YOU'RE CLOSING OFF YOUR FEELINGS! RUNNING FROM THE PAST, REFUSING TO FACE HIM MAN TO MAN!

KANDA'S HAIR: STOP TRYING TO TURN THIS INTO A LIFETIME MOVIE AND LET ME KILL HIM.

ALLEN: WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM?

KANDA'S HAIR: FOR THE LOVE OF— FINE, YOU WANT A STUPID CONTEST? I SEE YOUR CHICK FLICK LOGIC AND RAISE YOU A CHAOJI LOGIC! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

ALLEN: WHAT—

KANDA'S HAIR: ALLYOURFAULT.

ALLEN: *RAEG FACE*

KANDA: *REAG-ER FACE*

BOTH: *FIGHT*

KANDA: YOU DON'T KNOW ME! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL!

ALLEN: WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING OVER AGAIN?

KANDA: I DON'T KNOW!

JOHNNY: SERIOUSLY GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ALLEN: IT'S ALMOST LIKE THIS WAS ALL A CHEAP EXCUSE TO HAVE US DO BATTLE.

ALMA: *WEAKLY*HEY, THAT'S MY… FIGHT…

ALLEN: YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE, MY SCREEN TIME NOW.

ALMA: LIKE HELL *SPIRIT GUNS*

ALLEN: GAH WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ATTACKING ME?

KANDA'S HAIR: MAYBE BECAUSE YOU KEEP FORCING YOURSELF INTO EVERY FUCKING FIGHT. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

ALLEN: *MUTTER* BITE ME.

ALMA: *SOBCRY* GIVE ME SYMPATHY!

ALLEN: I GIVE YOU SYMPATHY!

KANDA'S HAIR: I DO NOT! *STABS ALLEN**PICTURE THE MOST HOMOEROTIC WAY THIS COULD BE PORTRAYED. IT'S WORSE*

ALLEN: OH THE PAIN. THIS WAS ALL SO AVOIDABLE!

EVERYONE: *SHOCK*

EARL: *ORGASMS*

ALLEN: LOOK AT ALMA'S FACE! LOOK AT HOW SAD HE IS! HE LOOKS VERY SORRY ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

KANDA'S HAIR: *BEGINS TO SUBSIDE*

ALLEN: I AM… I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MY POINT IS ANYMORE *GOES ALL NOAH**PUSHES KANDA AWAY LIKE A PIMP**FALLS OVER, KIND OF DEAD LOOKING*

KANDA: THAT WAS… SUCH A POINTLESS SACRIFICE.

ALLEN: (SHUT UP IT'S DRAMATIC).

ALMA: *PREPARES TO ATTACK*

KANDA: WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE BASICALLY WHERE WE WERE WHEN THIS CHAPTER BEGAN, PLUS A DEAD NOAH BEANSPROUT. NOT BAD FOR A DAY'S WORK.

ALMA: HEY, HIS SACRIFICE HAD MEANING. IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM CONSTANTLY GETTING IN THE WAY OF OUR ATTACKS, THIS BATTLE MIGHT HAVE ENDED! THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE?

KANDA: PROGRESSING THE PLOT?

ALMA: MOVING TOWARD THE END OF THIS ARC, THAT'S WHERE. DO I LOOK LIKE I'M GOING TO BE A RECURRING CHARACTER TO YOU?

KANDA: NO.

ALMA: NO. THIS IS MY ONE CHANCE AT SCREEN TIME BEFORE BEING WRITTEN OUT. AND WHERE WOULD THIS MANGA BE WITHOUT MY CHARACTER? _SIGNIFICANTLY LESS GAY_, THAT'S WHERE. HIS WAS A NOBLE SACRIFICE.

KANDA: *PUNTS ALLEN'S CORPSE*

_END._

_

* * *

_

OH, AND BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'LL ASK, I READ THE CHAPTER ON MANGAHEAD (DOT) COM . BE WARNED THOUGH, IT TRIED TO GIVE ME A MILLION VIRUSES. DON'T READ IT UNLESS YOU HAVE REALLY GOOD PROTECTION. THE CHAPTER IS NOW ALSO UP ON MANGASTREAM, BUT THE TRANSLATION IS A LOT DIFFERENT. I DOUBT THIS CHAPTER MAKES ANY SENSE EITHER WAY THOUGH, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.


	11. Chapter 198

AN: HEY GUYS. I SUCK A _LOT_. SORRY. FOR THE RECORD, I KNOW SPOILERS- NO, ENTIRE SCANLATION FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER IS OUT (WOW I FAIL). PLEASE KEEP SPOILERS OUT OF REVIEWS.

**CHAPTER 198**

ON THE COVER WE HAVE— OKAY, NO. JUST, NO. THAT IS NOT CHIBI!KANDA. THAT IS FREAKING LENALEE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S DOING GROPING SHOTACON IN A POND OF WHAT IS POSSIBLY BLOOD AND, OF COURSE, _FLOWERS_, BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THAT IS NOT LENALEE.

ALSO, LOOK AT SHOTACON'S EYES THERE. THEY'RE SO HOPEFUL AND INNOCENT. IT'S LIKE HOSHINO DREW THEM THINKING "YES, THIS. THIS IS WHAT I'M GOING TO **DESTROY MWUAHAHAHA!**"

OUR STORY RESUMES WITH A CLUTTERED TWO-PAGE SPREAD, SHOWING EVERYONE'S GASPS OF SHOCK/THE EARL AND TYKI'S AROUSAL AT ALLEN BEING ALL NOAH-Y AND DEAD.

JOHNNY: I REALLY DON'T SEE WHY EVERYONE'S SO SHOCKED. IS ANYONE ACTUALLY SURPRISED THAT KANDA STABBED ALLEN?

REEVER: IT'S MORE THE CONTEXT THAN ANYTHING, THIS WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY.

JOHNNY: IT WAS KIND OF JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

ALMA: IN CASE I HAVEN'T MADE THIS CLEAR ALREADY: _I INTEND TO KILL YU!_

REEVER: WE GOT THAT.

ALMA: RAAAAARGH LOOK AT HOW MUCH I AM TOTALLY GOING TO KILL YOU!

KANDA: RIGHT_. I'M_ THE ONE WHO WAS CLEARLY ONLY INTRODUCED AS A PLOT DEVICE AND WON'T MAKE IT PAST THIS ARC. RIGHT.

ALLEN'S CORPSE: NNNGH I'M NOT DEAD YET *PUSHES THEM BOTH BACK… SOMEHOW**MAGIC NOAH FORCEFIELD THING*

KANDA: DAMMIT BEANSPROUT WILL YOU JUST DIE? I'M PRETTY SURE KILLING YOU WOULD MAKE ME THE MAIN CHARACTER.

ALMA: UWAAAAH~

KANDA: SHUT UP ALMA.

ALMA: CATCH ME, MY PRINCE~

KANDA: NO.

ALMA: ALLEN DID. WHAT, HE LOVES ME MORE THAN YOU DO?

KANDA: HE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!

ALMA: YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE! I FEEL LIKE WE'VE DRIFTED SO FAR APAR—

KANDA: JUST SHUT THE HELL UP *CATCHES*

ALMA: MY HERO *DREAMY SIGH*

KANDA: I CANNOT EVEN WAIT FOR YOU TO DIE.

ALLEN'S CORPSE: *IS DISTRACTINGLY EVIL LOOKING*

KANDA: THE FU—

BAK: IS IT JUST ME OR IS THERE CREEPY LAUGHTER EMANATING FROM THE VERY GROUND?

EARL: _WELCOME TO HELL._

JOHNNY: OHGOD.

EARL: THANKS TO KANDA'S EPIC DOUCHBAGGERY, THE 14TH HAS AWAKENED!

SHERYL AND WISELY: *THROW CONFETTI AND SHAKE CELEBRATION MARACAS*

KANDA: … WELL SHIT.

EARL: THE MORE YOU WOUNDED HIM WITH YOUR INNOCENCE, THE MORE THAT HATRED _GUSHED_ OUT~

WISELY: COULD YOU NOT SAY THAT WHILE MAKING THAT FACE?

EARL: I CAME. AGAIN.

ALLEN'S CORPSE: *MAKES A RAPEFACE THAT DOES THE NOAH CLAN PROUD*

~SCENE CHANGE TO CRAZYVILLE~

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: THE MILLENNIUM EARL IS GOING MAD.

ALLEN: WHA…?

MYSTERIOUS PERSON: ALL IS OBLIVION.

ALLEN:… WHY AM I TIED TO A CHAIR?

MYSTERIOUS PERSON: HELLO ALLEN, I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.

ALLEN: WAS THAT A SAW REFERENCE?

MYSTERIOUS PERSON: THE PUPPET OF DESTRUCTION MEETS ITS END. AND YOU TOO, "ALLEN," BECAME A MAD PUPPET.

ALLEN: DID ROAD PUT YOU UP TO THIS? BECAUSE I'M REALLY NOT INTO—

MYSTERIOUS PERSON: WILL YOU FOCUS?

ALLEN: LOOK TYKI I KNOW YOU NOAH ARE SOME KINKY BASTARDS BUT I'M REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH—

MYSTERIOUS PERSON: I'M THE 14TH NOAH, DIPSHIT.

ALLEN: OH. WELL THAT JUST ADDS ANOTHER LAYER OF CREEPY TO THIS WHOLE THING.

MYSTERIOUS PERSON: THERE IS NOTHING CREEPY ABOUT THIS. PERSONALLY I THINK IT'S A VERY DYNAMIC SETUP.

ALLEN: TYKI I EXPECTED THIS SORT OF THING FROM, BUT YOU'VE BEEN LIVING INSIDE MY HEAD. I FEEL SO DIRTY.

MYSTERIOUS PERSON: *IGNORING* MY NAME IS NEA. OR NEAH. THERE'S BEEN SOME DEBATE.

ALLEN: ARE YOU GOING TO UNCHAIN ME?

MYSTERIOUS PERSON: NO.

~ELSEWHERE~

TIMCANPY: *HAS HIS TURN EMULATING JESUS*

LINK: *WHILE SOMEHOW HOLDING OFF SEVERAL LEVEL FOURS, DESPITE NOT BEING, YOU KNOW, _AN EXORCIST_* THE FUCK ARE YOU—?

TIM: *GROWS TO BE **SEVERAL TIMES BIGGER THAN HIM***

LINK: THAT IS… TERRIFYING…

TIM: *BREATHES **ELECTRICITY***

LINK: HE COULD LEVEL ENTIRE CITIES IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE.

PREDICTION: TIM IS EITHER GOD OR THE FINAL BIG BAD. THE EARL WAS WORKING FOR TIM ALL ALONG.

TIM: *BREAKS THE BARRIER LADYBUG THINGS*

REEVER: THE BARRIER'S BEEN BROKEN! NOW WE CAN ESCAPE! … NO, WAIT, SHERYL IS STILL HERE. HOW DID THAT HELP US?

ALLEN'S CORPSE: *STILL LOOKING INCREDIBLY EVIL*

KANDA: SHOULD I STAB HIM AGAIN, OR…?

MANA: ALLEN!

ALLEN: AKJHDAKSHDKJSD MANA!

MANA: LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE FINALLY GONE INSANE!

ALLEN: I… WHAT?

MANA: YOU'RE SEEING THE GHOST OF YOUR DEAD FATHER FIGURE, HAMLET.

ALLEN: … YEAH.

MANA: WELL HAVE FUN WITH THOSE DADDY ISSUES, I'M OFF!

ALLEN: WAIT—!

MANA: OH, HERE'S YOUR EYE AND NORMAL SKIN COLOR BACK.

ALLEN: HOW WHAT— HOLY CRAP! KANDA!

KANDA: WHAT?

ALLEN: YOU GIRLFRIEND IS _TOTALLY _A TRAP! ALSO A PSYCHOTIC BITCH.

KANDA: WHAT ARE YOU—

ALMA: STFU ALLEN.

ALLEN: BUT—

ALMA: NO! I'M REALLY GOING TO KILL YU THIS TIME! FOR REAL! NO DO-OVERS!

KANDA: I'M SHAKING.

ALMA: NO, _FOR REAL_ THIS TIME. SEE, WE'RE EVEN GETTING A FLASHBACK!

KANDA: **OH GOD NOT AGAIN.**

SHOTACON: NINE YEARS AGO, YOU KILLED ME. BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO KILL YOU.

CHIBI!KANDA: DON'T REGRET IT EVEN A LITTLE.

ALMA: OH YEAH? FUCK YOU! FLOWER POWER, BITCH!

KANDA: WHERE DO THE FLOWERS KEEP COMING FROM?

ALMA: AND NOW I SHALL DIE, AND YOU WILL KEEP SEARCHING FOR ME, NEVER KNOWING THAT THE WOMAN YOU'RE SEEKING WAS ME ALL ALONG. I AM KIND OF A BITCH.

ALLEN: IT'S A TRAAAAAP.

KANDA: WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?

ALLEN: TRAAAP! THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER, I WILL NEVER STOP MOCKING YOU.

KANDA: I DON'T GET IT.

ALLEN: YOURGIRLFRIENDHASAPENISCOUGH.

KANDA: WHAT?

ALLEN: TRAP.

_**END.**_

Illustration: http:/allegra-the-neko (dot) deviantart (dot) com/gallery/#/d2y78jm


	12. Chapter 199

Heeeeeeeey guys. Sorry for the unexpected hiatus, it started with me legitimately disliking chapter 199 and thus having trouble lightheartedly poking fun at it, followed by school attacking me with a vengeance, then my health going to shit when the lack of eating and sleeping inevitably led to my immune system going on strike. Then that happened again. And it just sort of got put off indefinitely. But no more!

I'm super behind, but I have already capslocked about half of the chapters that are out; I just have to fill in the missing ones so that I can upload them in order. But I am back baby. Let's catch the fuck up.

* * *

CHAPTER 199

MAN, WHAT EVEN HAPPENED LAST CHAPTER? OH, RIGHT. SO ALMA FINALLY DIED… SUPPOSEDLY… ALLEN HAD SOME FUN BONDAGE TIME/DADDY ISSUE EXPLORATION AND DISCOVERED THAT ALMA WAS A TRAP. ALSO WE FOUND OUT THAT TIMCANPY IS GOD.

PROCEED.

WE OPEN WITH KANDA AND ALMA REEEEACHING FOR EACH OTHER, SURROUNDED BY EITHER SHOJO SPARKLES AND FLOWERS OR DECOMPOSING BITS OF ALMA-SKIN AND FLOWERS, BECAUSE… DOES ANYONE REALLY KNOW WHAT GENRE DGM IS ANYMORE? I DO NOT.

ALLEN: SO ALMA WAS THE SOUL OF THE WOMAN OTHER-KANDA WAS IN LOVE WITH PUT IN THE BODY OF A YOUNG BOY TURNED AKUMA TURN I DON'T EVEN KNOW?

ME: FOR THE RECORD:

"IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! THE GHOST WAS ACTUALLY MARIE DRESSED IN DRAG AND WANDERING AROUND THE HALLWAYS! $50 SAYS THAT EXPLANATION MAKES MORE SENSE THAN WHATEVER HOSHINO COMES UP WITH." — CHAPTER 191 SUMMARY

MONEY PLEASE. ALSO, FOR THE RECORD, I WOULD BE PRETTY PISSED IF SCIENCE GAVE ME A LITTLE BOY PENIS TOO. A LOT OF THE THINGS THAT ALMA HAS DONE ARE NOW JUSTIFIED.

BLOATED CORPSE THAT WAS ONCE ALMA: *IS TOTALLY ABOUT TO EXPLODE*

EVERYONE: _FFFFFFFF_

KANDA: WRYYYYY?

BLOATED CORPSE: *EXPLODES. ALLEN'S MANHIPS TASTEFULLY POSITIONED AGAINST THE EXPLOSION*

ALLEN: *SKIN STARTS TO TURN GREY!* *SKIN TURNS BACK IN THE NEXT PANEL!* I LIKE TO KEEP PEOPLE GUESSING.

WE SEE A GIANT CRATER WHERE THE EXPLOSION TOOK PLACE, WITH KANDA IN THE CENTER— UNMARRED, OF COURSE, DESPITE BEING INCHES AWAY. WHAT BULLSHIT, AMIRI-

KANDA: *CRUMBLES INTO A THOUSAND PIECES*

ME: OH… OH SHIT…

CYRIL: LOOKS LIKE WHAT'S-HIS-FACE WAS FINALLY AVENGED. YOU KNOW, THE UGLY ONE. WHO KILLED ALL OUR MAIDS.

KANDA: *STILL IN PIECES, MISSING LIMBS, FUCK*

ALLEN: *HAS A BIG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MOMENT OVER CORPSE*

ME: SHIT. NO. OKAY. IT'S KANDA. THERE IS NO WAY THEY'D KILL OFF KANDA. THERE HASN'T EVEN BEEN A FLASHBACK OF PASSING OR—

~PAGE OF ALMA/FLOWER LADY WITH ALLEN EXPOSITING ABOUT TEH TRAGEDY~

ME: THAT- THAT DOESN'T COUNT!

~FLASHBACK TO CHIBI!KANDA~

ME: FUUUUUUU—

ALMA: HEY, I'M TOTALLY STILL ALIVE! I AM… A HEAD, AND A MANGLED TORSO, BUT… ALIVE! AND YEAH NO TELLING KANDA THAT I'M THAT PERSON, I'D RATHER HE KEEP SEARCHING FOREVER SO HE'LL ALWAYS BE MINE.

ALLEN: DOUCHE MOVE. PLUS I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S DYING ANYWAY SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL TELL HIM.

ALMA: NOPE. MINE FOREVERRRRRRRR.

ALLEN: GOD, WHATEVER. I AM NOT KANDA'S MARRIAGE COUNCILOR.

ALMA: YUUUUUUUU *CRAWLS AROUND SEARCHING FOR, WITH ONE ARM*

ME: ALLEN WILL YOU PLEASE MERCY KILL HIM ALREADY?

ALMA: _**YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU**_…

ALLEN: THIS IS FUCKING DEPRESSING *PICKS UP AND CARRIES OVER TO KANDA'S NOT-CORPSE BECAUSE HE IS _NOT DEAD DAMMIT_*

ALMA: YOU'RE NICE.

ALLEN: THANK-

ALMA: ***MUTATES AGAIN!***

ALLEN: WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?

ALMA: SRY *SKIN CRACKS, TURNS INTO SOME SORT OF DARK MATTER BLOB THING*

VOICE: BEANSPROUT…

ALLEN: OMG!

KANDA FANGIRLS (ENTIRE FANBASE): _**OMG!**_

CYRIL: SO, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW?

EARL: NOTHING, THAT WAS POINTLESS FILLER.

CYRIL: GOTTA MAKE THAT PAGECOUNT SOMEHOW.

EARL: INDEED- *IS SUDDENLY BOUND BY CROWN CLOWN! LOOKS… TOO HAPPY ABOUT THIS…*

~SEGUE, WHAT IS? SUDDEN SCENE CHANGE TO ALMA!~

ALMA: YU'S VOICE…

~AND BACK TO THAT OTHER SCENE!~

ALLEN: *SWINGS ON CROWN CLOWN AS IF TARZAN, ONE ARM AROUND KANDA'S DISINTEGRATING CORPSE*

CYRIL AND WISELY: *CLING TO THE EARL TO PREVENT HIM FROM BEING PULLED DOWN. THIS IS ALL… FAR TOO COMICAL TO TAKE SERIOUSLY, YET TOO UNCOMFORTABLE TO OUTRIGHT LAUGH AT*

KANDA: SEND US TO THE PLACE WHERE WE WENT ON OUR FIRST MISSION, NO ONE WILL FIND US THERE.

ALLEN: K *THROWS HIM*

ME: I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE I AM READING THE PAGES TO THIS CHAPTER OUT OF ORDER.

ALLEN: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. IF ANYONE CAN SAVE ALMA, WHO IS MAYBE ALREADY DEAD, IT'S YOU.

KANDA: THANKS… _**ALLEN WALKER.**_

ENTIRE FANDOM: *GASP*

KANDA: ***SMILES***

ENTIRE FANDOM: _*SWOONS*_

ALLEN: *BLUSHU*

ME: ALRIGHT HOSHINO NOW YOU'RE JUST BAITING THE YAOI FANS.

KANDA: *HUGS ALMA-DARK-MATTER THING*

ME: OR THE… BESTIALITY… KIND-OF-SORT-OF YAOI… KIND-OF-SHOTA… NECROPHILIA FANS… WHAT IS THIS EVEN?

KANDA: LET'S RUN AWAY, TOGETHER THIS TIME.

ONE FINAL FLASHBACK: CHIBI!KANDA AND SHOTACON HUGGING.

ALLEN: THIS IS THE SADDEST THING. EVERYTHING IS RUINED FOREVER.

ALMA: *STARTS TO CRUMBLE AGAIN*

ALLEN: WHAT IS HAPPINESS? *OPENS A GATE FOR THEM*

KANDA: HOLD ON TIGHT, ALMA

ALMA: *IS POSSIBLY REALLY REALLY DEAD, THIS TIME*

ALLEN: OH MY _GOD_. *COLLAPSES GATE* FUCK EVERYTHING. JUST… _FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE_. I AM PEACE-ING OUT OF THIS MANGA.

**END

* * *

**

I have decided to start assigning a number rating to chapters, based solely on how much I enjoyed reading them, for the following reason: I do not hate DGM. As a whole, I love this series. So, to differentiate between the "Ahhh!" and the "uuuuugh," a rating from 1-10.

_Please note:_ If Lenalee does not appear in a chapter, the highest it can scores is a 9, because I am arbitrary and Lenalee is clearly the best character. Just my opinion, but I am the author, so therefore my opinion is better than yours. What can you do about this? NOOOOOOTHIIIIIIIING.

Rating system:

10- OH MY GOD THE BEST THING EVERRRRRRR! AHHHHH SO MANY EMOTIONS SO BRIGHT SO VIVID ASDFGHJKL

5- Straight average, equal amounts of "!" and "..."

1- Thanks for shitting out this piece of nothing. I feel dead inside.

0- Seriously, Hoshino? Again? Are your bones made of charred twigs? STOP GETTING INJURED, I NEED MY DGM FIX DAMN IT.

_Today's rating: _6

Honestly… I can't remember why I hated this so much when I read it like 5 months ago. The flow/pacing was confusing, but things actually happened and it actually made me feel an emotion. Maybe it didn't the first time, but it did looking back. Idk, maybe I just needed a break from this never-ending arc to properly appreciate it. I was Alma-ed out.


	13. Chapter 200

CHAPTER 200

MAN I HAD REALLY HOPED TO GET THIS OUT SOONER. IT ISN'T ALWAYS EASY, YOU KNOW. HOSHINO HAS ALREADY BROKEN MY SPIRIT ONCE. BUT I HAVE RECOVERED, MOSTLY, AND WILL LIVE TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT FOR ANOTHER DAY. ALSO, A LITTLE ADVICE FOR LIFE: DO NOT GO TO DESIGN COLLEGE. IT WILL KILL YOU. MAYBE LITERALLY. EXAM WEEK RECOVERY PUT ME TO SLEEP FOR 17 STRAIGHT HOURS AND I AM PRETTY SURE THAT IS TECHNICALLY A COMA.

MOVING ON. SO ALMA IS REALLY DEAD THIS TIME, RIGHT? FOR REAL?

ALLEN: ARK, TAKE THEM FAR AWAY, TO A LAND FREE OF THE ORDER'S DOUCHE-BAGGERY, WHERE NO ONE CAN JUDGE THEIR FORBIDDEN LOVE.

KANDA: NOT… GAY…

ALLEN: DON'T EVEN BOTHER.

KANDA: FUCK YO— *DISAPPEARS THROUGH GATE*

ALLEN: WELL, I HAVE DONE A GOOD DEED AND CLEARLY SAVED THE DAY.

KANDA: ***PLUMMETS TOWARD THE GROUND AT BREAKNECK SPEED***

ALLEN: I AM A HERO.

~IN THAT FAR AWAY LAND~

KANDA: I'M PRETTY SURE I JUST BROKE MY SPINE. YOU OKAY, ALMA?

ALMA: MY TORSO IS LITERALLY IN SEVERAL PIECES.

KANDA: MAN UP.

ALMA: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND WATCH ME DIE PLEASE?

KANDA: K.

SPIDER: Y HALO THAR.

KANDA: WUT?

SPIDER: *WIGGLES PINCER THINGS AT*

ALMA: I'M SURE IT'S DEEPLY SYMBOLIC SOMEHOW.

HOSHINO: SUBTLETY, WHAT IS?

KANDA: *SQUASHES IT*

…

ALMA: … YU?

KANDA: …

ALMA: YU? ARE YOU FUCKING SLEEPING?

KANDA: *SNORES*

ALMA: DICK! THAT'S IT, I'M OUT.

GHOST LADY/SHOTACON: *PEACE OUT, WITH ONE LAST ASS SHOT FROM THE LITTLE SHOTA*

KANDA: DOES THAT REALLY HAVE TO BE MY LAST MEMORY OF HIM?

GHOST LADY: NO WORRIES. I'LL LEAVE BEHIND SOME—

KANDA: NO, THAT'S OKAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO—

GHOST LADY: _**FLOOOOOWWWWEEEEERRRRRSSSSSSS**_

KANDA: *SIGH* YEAH, THANKS.

ALMA: I LOVE YOUUUU

KANDA: ARE YOU DYING OR NOT?

ALMA: *DIES*

KANDA: *TEARS* *OF RELIEF?*

ME: HE DIED AS HE LIVED— DRAPED IN THE ARMS OF ANOTHER MAN.

~ELSEWHERE, IN RUSSIA~

ELDRITCH HORROR: **BLAAAARRRRRGH!**

SOKARO: SWEET *SLASHES THE SHIT OUT OF IT* SEE KRORY, THAT IS HOW YOU SLAUGHTER A GODDAMN FORMER TEAMMATE. PUSSY.

KRORY: CAN I SWITCH SQUADS NOW? PLEASE?

DEBBITO: HEY GUYS, JUST A HEADS UP, KANDA WOKE UP THE FOURTEENTH.

ALL: FFFFF!

~IN GREECE~

DRAGON THING: YUP, SO NOW YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SLAUGHTER ALLEN, JUST LIKE YOU SLAUGHTERED THIS GUY. WELL, MAYBE NOT QUITE THIS MUCH. JESUS, WOMAN. THE HELL DID THIS GUY EVER DO TO YOU? ARE THOSE _ARMS_ OVER THERE?

LENALEE: IS THIS A THING NOW? I SHOW UP FOR ONE PAGE TO BE DEEPLY TRAUMATIZED, THEN DISAPPEAR FOR A FEW MONTHS?

HOSHINO: CHANCES ARE GOOD THAT ALLEN, KANDA AND LAVI WILL ALL BE MISSING OR DEAD WHEN YOU GET BACK!

LENALEE: FUCK. THIS. MANGA.

HOSHINO: BACK ON THE BUS WITH YOU.

~IN CHINA~

CHAOJI: *DYING*

NO ONE: *CARES*

MARI: ANYONE SEEN LAVI AND BOOKMAN?

~BACK AT THE ORDER~

BAK: FOU, RETURN!

PROOF THAT HOSHINO IS JUST FUCKING WITH US: NOT CONTENT TO MAKE BAK LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ALLEN, THERE IS NOW EITHER A BEAD OF SWEAT OR BLOOD (I WOULD MAYBE BE ABLE TO TELL IF THE SCREEN TONE ARTIST DIDN'T REAGQUIT) OVER HIS EYE THAT LOOKS _SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE ALLEN'S SCAR_. REALLY, HOSHINO? REALLY? YOUR RESPONSE TO ACCUSATIONS OF SAMEFACE IS NOT "OH, I SHOULD TRY TO DIFFERENTIATE FACES MORE" BUT RATHER "SAMEFACE? I'LL SHOW THEM SAMEFACE!"

SHINE ON, YOU CRAZY DIAMOND.

TYKI: SO DOES THIS MEAN I WIN?

BAK: FOR THE RECORD, IT IS BLOOD OVER MY EYE ON THIS PAGE.

ELDRITCH ABOMINATION THING: BLARRRRGH SMASH HATE **BLAAAARRRRGHHHH**

SOMEONE, MAYBE BAK: WHY IS THIS THING STILL HERE?

ALLEN: *TO THE RESCUE!*

BAK: OH I GUESS I AM BAK THEN. WHY ARE WE WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES? I EVEN HAVE A TATTOO ON MY LEFT ARM THAT KIND OF RESEMBLES YOURS, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A COINCIDENCE.

VATICAN HILTER: ALLEN WALKER YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE YOUNG MAN. YOU ARE GOING TO YOUR ROOM FOR A LONG TIME OUT AFTER THIS IS OVER. NOW GO DESTROY THE ALMA THING.

EARL: FOOOOLS~~~ *SPARKLE SPARKLE*

DUE TO THE EARL BEING WAY TOO FUCKING CREEPY ON THIS PAGE, WE ARE GOING TO IGNORE HIM FOR THE REST OF THE CHAPTER. JESUS. _KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, MAN._

OLDGUY: WELL THE THIRD EXORCISTS ARE PRETTY MUCH SCREWED.

RENEE: WE REALLY DROPPED THE BALL ON THIS ONE. **LET ME SHOW YOU MY RAEPFACE OF SORROW**.

EVERYONE: *SHITS THEIR PANTS*

ALLEN: *ATTACKS ALMA-TOKUSA ABOMINATION*

VATICAN HITLER: FOR THE RECORD, I STILL COMPLETELY ENDORSE THIS PROJECT- ARE THOSE ARMS? WHAT IS WITH ALL THE _ARMS _IN THIS CHAPTER? ANYWAY. ALLEN QUIT PROTECTING US AND GO KILL ALMA. OR YOU ARE **NO LONGER AN EXORCIST.**

ALLEN: TOKUSA, I KNOW YOU'RE STILL IN THERE!

TOKUSA: *GURGLES*

ALLEN: THAT'S IT, FIGHT IT!

TOKUSA: *DROOLING*

ALLEN: WORK WITH ME HERE. COME ON. I AM OBLIGATED TO SAVE EVERY GODDAMN NAME CHARACTER, EXCEPT OLD PEOPLE. I AM TOTALLY GOING TO ANGST FOR HOURS IF YOU DIE.

TOKUSA: ALRIGHT, FINE. I'M FIGHTING IT, SEE?

ALLEN: THAT'S GREAT! KEEP IT UP!

TOKUSA: YEAH, I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY LIVE!

ALLEN: THAT'S THE SPIRI— *SWATHED HEAD TO TOE IN BINDING SEALS* THE FUCK?

LINK: WALKER. I BELIEVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE MY SIGHT.

ALLEN: ARE YOU KIDDING— I AM BUSY HERE! AND YOU JUST REDEFINED OVERKILL!

LINK: BITCH. BE. TRIPPING.

ALLEN: WHERE WERE YOU EVEN_ KEEPING_ THESE? JUST HOW MANY TREES HAD TO DIE FOR THIS INTERVENTION?

LINK: WALKER. WE HAVE BEEN SEPARATED FOR OVER TEN CHAPTERS AND I HAD TO STRONGARM A HO TO GET HERE. BACK THE _FUCK DOWN_.

CAPTION: THE _LINK_ TOWARD TOKUSA'S SALVATION HAS BEEN CUT! SEE? SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

ME: I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. PUNNY.

_END._

* * *

Today's rating: 7. It was just kind of good in an average-ish way. But it was way better than the last chapter, which I probably gave more credit than it really deserved, so we'll go with 7. I think that I was more impressed the first time I read it.


	14. Chapter 201

CHAPTER 201

ALLEN: LINK.

LINK: YES?

ALLEN: THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

LINK: YOU ARE IN DANGER!

ALLEN: YEAH, I AM _NOW!_

LINK: THE 14TH IS AWAKENING! I AM SAVING YOU!

ME: LINK IS LIKE THAT ONE GUY WHO COMES INTO A CONVERSATION HALFWAY THROUGH, AND THEN STARTS INDISCRIMINATELY THROWING BINDING SEALS AT PEOPLE. YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT!

ALLEN: LINK, SERIOUSLY. THIS PICTURE OF ME, RIGHT HERE, IS WHAT IS IN DICTIONARIES NEXT TO THE DEFINITION OF OVERKILL.

LINK: QUIET, I NEED TO GIVE THE SLASH FANS FALSE HOPE. THIS IS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST.

ALLEN: TURNING ME INTO A GODDAMN MUMMY, COMPLETE WITH MOUTH GAG, WHILE I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING BATTLE IS NOT HELPING ME!

LINK: I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU!

LEVERRIER: I AM HERE TO MAKE THE FACT THAT LINK HAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ALLEN AND HIS ORDERS PAINFULLY OBVIOUS TO THE AUDIENCE! DO YOU ALL GET IT? HE HAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HIS FEELINGS AND WHAT I AM ORDERING HIM TO DO. _DO YOU GET IT?_

TEVAK: *TRANSFORMS INTO A BEAST OF CRAZY*

LINK: WELL DAMN, MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE USED HALF AS MANY SEALING TAGS ON HER AS I DID ON ALLEN.

ALLEN: SO NOW I CAN BARELY EVEN MOVE, THANKS TO YOU, AND YOUR CRAZY GIRLFRIEND, WHO YOU JUST BROUGHT HERE, IS GOING TO KILL ME.

LINK: YOU ARE WELCOME.

ALLEN: **STOP TRYING TO HELP ME.**

TIMCANPY: *OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE, SUDDENLY HUGE, _**TIMCANPY PAWNCH!***_

ALLEN: THE FUCK?

TIMCANPY: I AM YOUR GOD.

ME: CALLED IT.

EVERYONE: THE _HELL_?

LINK: IGNORE IT, I SEVERELY DOUBT THAT HOSHINO WILL JUST SUDDENLY START EXPLAINING THE RANDOM SHIT THAT HAPPENS NOW.

TOKUSATHULU: *ATTACKS*

LINK: AUGH!

ALLEN: WELL GEE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME SAVE HIM BEFORE. SOUNDS PRETTY INVITING IN HINDSIGHT, DOESN'T IT?

EARL: JUST A REMINDER THAT I AM STILL HERE. I KNOW I'M NOT REALLY DOING ANYTHING, BUT I'M HERE. I'M STILL RELEVANT. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME *SOB*

NO ONE: *PAYS ATTENTION*

EARL: WOULD IT HELP IF I TURNED INTO MY BISHONEN FORM AGAIN?

TOKUSATHULU: *SUDDENLY DISAPPEARS. WHY? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY STILL ASKING QUESTIONS AND EXPECTING ANSWERS? YOU ARE SO YOUNG AND INNOCENT, I WANT TO SHIELD YOU FROM THE WORLD*

LINK: *SUDDENLY A NOAH, APPARENTLY, OH NO WAIT THE SCREENTONE ARTIST JUST DECIDED TO GET ARTSY. AND BY THAT I MEAN DO IT WRONG*

TEVAKTHULU: *DRIPPINGS _ARMS_* BROTHER? EVERYONE?

LINK: … IS IT WRONG IF I STILL FIND HER ATTRACTIVE?

TEVAKTHULU: *ARK APPEARS BENEATH HER* EVERYONE, DON'T LEAVE TEVAK ALONE! *CRIES*

ME: *****_WIBBLES_*

LINK: NOOOO MY POSSIBLE LOVE INTEREST *LUNGES*

HOSHINO: _**THERE SHALL BE NO FEMALES IN D. GRAY-MAN.**_

TEVAK: *DISAPPEARS*

ALLEN: NICE GOING LINK. YOU'VE REALLY BEEN HELPFUL. I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU CAME.

LINK: *EXPRESSES DESPAIR THROUGH FLASHBACK PANEL, THE ONLY TRUE FORM OF GRIEF*

EARL: AHAH, I TOLD YOU I WAS STILL IMPORTANT! ANYWAY, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CREATED THE THIRD EXORCISTS OUT OF A DESPERATION TO SURVIVE, BUT NO BENDING THE RULES AND TRYING TO FIGHT WITH MY PLAYERS. FIGHT USING THE POWERS OF THE GOD YOU CHOSE TO BELIEVE IN.

DGM: *SUDDENLY ATTEMPTS BEING LEGITIMATELY DEEP AGAIN**WOULD BE A LITTLE LESS SILLY IF THE EARL WASN'T… RANDOMLY TIED UP AS THE NOAH ALL MAKE THEIR DRAMATIC EXIT*

CYRIL: *HIS HIPS DO NOT LIE*

EARL: SO YEAH, THESE BITCHES BE MINE NOW. I MAKE THE RULES, MUTHAFUCKAS. ALSO, MUMMYBOY, YOUR ASS IS GRASS.

ARROW: HE IS TALKING ABOUT ALLEN. JUST WANTED TO MAKE THAT ABSOLUTELY CLEAR TO THE READER, WOULDN'T WANT ANYTHING GOING OVER YOUR HEADS.

HOSHINO: *CANNOT DECIDE IF SHE THINKS THAT THE READERS ARE ABSOLUTE GENIUSES OR MENTALLY HANDICAPPED*

~CUT TO: ALLEN IMPRISONED HOLY SHIT MY FANFIC HAS COME TO LIFE I DEMAND THAT LENALEE BREAK HIM OUT NOW. PANDER TO ME, HOSHINO! THE YAOI FANS HAD THEIR TURN! PANDER TO MEEEEE!~

ALLEN: *SPONTANEOUSLY CAUSES EVERY READER TO DEVELOP A BDSM FETISH, REGARDLESS OF AGE, GENDER OR SEXUALITY*

FANS EVERYWHERE: *SCREAM. HARD. FOREVER*

_END._

* * *

For srs rating: 9. It was 8 until the final page, but… damn. Allen in prison garb has awakened my inner fangirl. You get a 9.

So while I was cleaning out my dorm room, I found part of a script for chapter 199 that I apparently wrote and forgot about. So. Just consider this a deleted scene, or something. Set when Kanda is about to go through the gate with Alma.

* * *

ALLEN: SO UH, DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOUR GENERAL ABOUT THIS?

KANDA: HUH?

ALLEN: GENERAL TIEDOLL?

KANDA: OH, RIGHT. YEAH.

ALLEN: AND LENALEE? SHE'S GOING TO BE PRETTY TORN UP ABOUT THIS.

KANDA: YEAH, UH, HER TOO.

ALLEN: AND LAV—

KANDA: IF YOU TELL HIM WHERE I'M LIVING I WILL MURDER YOU.

ALLEN: THAT'S THE KANDA I KNOW! … I LIKE THE NEW ONE BETTER.

KANDA: JUST GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

ALLEN: FINE. BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME AS A SHONEN PROTAGONIST, I NOW DECLARE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE.

KANDA: WIFE?

ALMA: WE'LL TALK LATER.


	15. Chapter 202

CHAPTER 202

HELLO THERE AGAIN. MUCH LIKE HOSHINO HERSELF, I SEEM TO BE PRONE TO RANDOM HIATUSES. I WILL ATTEMPT TO CATCH UP WITH THE MANGA BEFORE ANOTHER ONE HITS. KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED.

THE COVER TO THIS CHAPTER IS EITHER HOSHINO'S APOLOGY FOR PUTTING LAVI ON A BUS OR LAVI'S BID TO REMIND EVERYONE HOW SEXY HE IS SO HIS PRINCE CHARMING WILL COME RESCUE HIM. AND HE IS WORKING IT, UNTIL YOU NOTICE THE GIANT MUTANT RABBIT OF TERROR HE IS SITTING ON. THEN THE BEDROOM EYE BECOMES LESS APPEALING. BUT GOOD EFFORT.

ALSO, THERE IS SOMETHING DEEPLY WRONG WITH LENALEE'S NOODLE LEG, BUT WE'LL IGNORE THAT FOR NOW.

CUT TO ROAD'S CREEPY PRESENTS EVERYWHERE DIMENSION, AND— IS ROAD WEARING PANTS? NOW THAT'S JUST ODD. AN ACTUAL SHIRT, TOO.

TYKI: SO WHAT'S UP WITH THE EARL?

ROAD: HE'S BEEN CRYING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH FOR SEVERAL DAYS NOW. MUST BE AFRAID OF MEETING THE 14TH.

TYKI: BUT HE WAS TRYING TO HIT ON HIM BEFORE. EVEN _I_ THOUGHT IT WAS KIND OF CREEPY.

ROAD: *KNOWING SMILE*

TYKI: *ACTUAL TEXT* WHAT'S THAT SEXY FACE FOR?

_NOAH. NOW WITH 30% MORE INCEST._

TYKI: *MORE ACTUAL TEXT* MAKES ME JEALOUS.

_NOAH. NOW WITH 50% MORE INCEST._

TYKI: *EXPOSITION THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT BECAUSE **LAVIIIIII!***

FIDDLER: *LEERS*

BOOKMAN: SUP.

LAVI: *GURGLES*

CYRIL: SORRY TO KEEP YOU ALL WAITING, THE EARL REQUIRED A BEDTIME STORY. *CROSSES LEGS* SO ROAD WAS TELLING ME ABOUT HOW YOU WERE BFF WITH THE NOAH UNTIL 35 YEARS AGO.

LAVI: ?

BOOKMAN: YUUUP. SO WHAT, YOU WANT TO KNOW THE 14TH'S WEAKNESS?

CYRIL: AHAH, NO~ YOU SEE, I DON'T REALLY WANT TO WELCOME THE 14TH BACK, I WANT TO **KILL HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE, YET WE'RE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HIM WITH OUR LIVES **_**DOES THAT SEEM RIGHT TO YOU?**_

BOOKMAN: UH…

CYRIL: AND THE EARL WAS MACKING ON HIM RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! **RIGHT! IN! FRONT! OF! MEEEEE!**

BOOKMAN: LOOK, I DON'T REALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ALL YOUR INCESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP DRAMA.

CYRIL: JUST SHOW ME ALL OF YOUR LOGS ON THE 14TH. DON'T FORGET, FIDDLER'S PARASITES ARE INSIDE JR.—

LAVI: *SHUDDER*

CYRIL: AND THAT OTHER GUY. DON'T WANT TO LOSE ANOTHER SUCCESSOR, DO YOU?

LAVI: *CONFUSED FOAMING AT MOUTH*

FIDDLER: *EXTENDS TONGUE COVERED IN _FUCKING EYEBALLS_, WHICH THEN PROCEED DETACH FROM HIS TONGUE*

LAVI: *FAINTS*

BOOKMAN: HE'S FINE. BUILDS CHARACTER.

CYRIL: FAIR WARNING— NOAH DON'T WAIT FOR THEIR PRISONERS TO DROP THE SOAP.

FIDDLER: *LICKS* THEY DON'T CALL ME THE FIDDLER FOR NOTHING, BABY.

_~BACK AT THE ORDER~_

CHAOJI: *IS DYING*

NO ONE: *CARES**EXCEPT FOR THESE TWO GUYS WHOSE NAMES I CAN'T REMEMBER*

LENALEE: *APPEARS TO MUCH FANFARE INSIDE MY HEAD* ALLEN AND KANDA… EVEN LAVI'S GROUP… AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT DIDN'T GET MY ASS KICKED?

MARIE: PRETTY MUCH.

_~CUT TO LINK, HAVING AN ANGST FLASHBACK TO LAST CHAPTER~_

FLASHBACK ALLEN: *AAAAAAANGST*

LINK: *ANGST OVER HIS AAAAAAANGST*

CARDINAL: AHEM. LINK. THE REPORT?

LINK: WUT?

CARDINAL: THERE IS A ROOM FULL OF CREEPERS AND KOMUI WAITING FOR YOU TO REPORT ON ALLEN.

LINK: WELL HE ISN'T TALKING, AND HE'S REFUSING TO EAT.

ALL: *GASP*

LINK: I KNOW. HE'S AFRAID WE'LL SLIP HIM TRUTH SERUM, SO HE'S ONLY DRINKING WATER. WHICH… WE COULD PROBABLY PUT TRUTH SERUM IN TOO, BUT. STILL.

CARDINAL: THEN IT'S TIME FOR THE WATER BOARDING.

LINK: WAIT, WHAT?

CARDINAL: ENHANCED INTERROGATION, INSPECTOR. IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GO.

ZHU: HEY GUYS, JUST IN CASE THIS ISN'T ALREADY DEPRESSING ENOUGH, KANDA AND ALMA ARE DEAD AND MUGEN IS RUSTY. JUST PUTTING THAT OUT THERE.

CARDINAL: SHUT THE HELL UP.

ZHU: K.

_~OUTSIDE, RAIN: *IS DREARY*~_

JERRY: ALRIGHT EVERYONE, EAT AND BE MERRY!

EVERYONE: *GLOOOOOM*

JERRY: EAT DAMMIT! *CHOKEHOLD ON KRORY*

LENALEE: *IS TOO EMO FOR THESE SHENANIGANS*

REEVER: EAT, YOU. WE HAVE TO KEEP UP OUR STRENGTH!

DREADLOCKS GUY: *CHUGS ALCOHOL TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT*

LENALEE: *MAKES THE MOST WIBBLE-WORTHY EXPRESSION EVER*

SCIENCE TEAM: LET US EAT AND PRETEND THAT WE MATTER! *BITCH BITCH BITCH ABOUT CENTRAL BEING BITCHES*

EVERYONE ELSE: *GLAAAARE*

LENALEE: *DETERMINED EATING*

RANDOM EGGS: *ARE THROWN AT JOHNNY*

CARDINAL: *CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE*

JOHNNY: D: WHY?

SOMEONE IN THE CROWD: BECAUSE FUCK YOU. ALSO KILL THE NOAH. AND SORRY FOR SPLATTERING YOU WITH EGG, FATHER.

CARDINAL: QUITE ALRIGHT. AND BY THAT I MEAN WATCH YOURSELF IN DARK HALLWAYS FROM NOW ON.

REEVER: SORRY, WE'RE SO HATED THAT PEOPLE'S DISDAIN FOR US SPREADS TO OTHERS BY PROXIMITY. WANT TO SIT WITH US?

CARDINAL: AHAHAH— NO. LOSER. BUT IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, ALLEN IS TOTALLY NOT GOING TO BE EXECUTED!

ALL: HUZZAH!

CARDINAL: NOW THEN, I'LL JUST BE CREEPIN' ON MY WAY.

EVERYONE: … WAIT WHO WAS THAT?

_~ELSEWHERE~_

LINK: **RAWR I FUCKING HATE DOORS!** *KICKS DOWN*

ALLEN: *ALL CHAINED UP* OHI LINK.

LINK: GUARD, LEAVE US ALONE.

ALLEN: … UH… SHOULD I BE WORRIED…?

LINK: *USES GLARE*

ALLEN: *COUNTERS WITH MOE EYES*

LINK: *USES SMACK-IN-THE-FACE-WITH-A-CERAMIC-BOWL* BITCH.

ALLEN: OW, MOTHER F- WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

LINK: JERRY MADE THIS ESPECIALLY FOR YOU SO THERE'S NOTHING SUSPICIOUS IN IT! AT LEAST… NOTHING THAT YOU'RE NOT USED TO EATING HERE.

ALLEN: WOW, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S COVERED IN ENGRISH. CENTRAL NEVER WOULD HAVE LET THAT SLIP BY. *SLOWLY TRANSFORMS INTO A MOEBLOB AS HE EATS* SORRY FOR ATTACKING YOU, AND STUFF.

LINK: STFU.

ALLEN: *REPROACHFUL MOE STARE*

LINK: *GLARE*

ALLEN: *MOE MOE MOE*

LINK: *ULTRA-GLARE* … DAMMIT I CAN'T STAY MAD AT THAT FACE.

ALLEN: SUCCESS.

LINK: TIME FOR A TOUCHING CONVERSATION. WE WERE LIKE FAMILY—

ALLEN: HAH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

LINK: NOT YOU, ASSHOLE, CROW.

ALLEN: OH.

LINK: LIKE EVERY OTHER CHARACTER IN DGM, WE HAD NO PARENTS. INSERT GENERIC SAD BACKSTORY HERE.

ALLEN'S HAIR: *COMES TO LIFE IN THE BACKGROUND*

LINK: THE THIRD EXORCIST PROJECT WAS MY FAULT, I— GOD **DAMN** I WAS UGLY BEFORE THE ART SHIFT. JUST LOOK AT THAT FLASHBACK PANEL.

ALLEN: HOSHINO WAS KIND TO YOU. ANYWAY, NOW I KIND OF FEEL BAD FOR HATING ON THEM, DESPITE THE WHOLE HALF-AKUMA THING. AND THE THEM BEING TOTAL ASSHOLES THING. MAYBE I SHOULD TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE 14TH INSTEAD OF JUST ASSUMING— ARGH! *SKIN GOES GRAY, STARTS SMOKING*

LINK: WALKER!

ALLEN: NEVERMIND, HE _IS_ JUST A DICK. NGH-!

LINK: STAY WITH ME!

ALLEN: *ACTUAL TEXT* HOT… SULTRY…

LINK: … UH…

ALLEN: YEAH, THAT NEAH IS ONE FINE PIECE OF ASS.

LINK: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THAT.

CARDINAL: FEAR NOT, I AM HERE TO HEAL HIM! PLEASE IGNORE THE UNCONSCIOUS GUARDS OUTSIDE. ACTUALLY THEY PROBABLY WOULD HAVE LET ME IN ANYWAY, THAT WAS A LITTLE UNNECESSARY. BUT NEVER MIND THAT. ALSO IGNORE THE GLOWING TENDRILS COMING OUT OF MY HAND.

LINK: **UM**.

_END._

* * *

Rating: 9. Pretty consistently awesome chapter. And I am still digging the hell out of prisoner Allen.


	16. Chapter 203

CHAPTER 203

LAST TIME, CARDINAL CREEPER WAS ABOUT TO MOLEST MOEBLOB ALLEN, TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE. TODAY, THE THRILLING CONCLUSION.

WE OPEN WITH A SHOT OF THE EARL'S FREAKY ASS EYE, SOMEHOW MANAGING TO SPONTANEOUSLY MAKE EVERYONE WHO LOOKS AT IT HEAR THE SAME "DUN-DUN" STING IN THEIR HEAD. HIS ADORABLE PINSTRIPE PAJAMAS THEN PROCEED TO DESTROY THE TONE A LITTLE.

WE THEN RETURN TO- DEAR GOD, ALLEN, YOU REALLY SHOULD NOT LOOK QUITE THAT PLEASURED BY WHATEVER THE CARDINAL IS DOING TO YOU. CONFESSIONAL ON SUNDAY YOUNG MAN. CLEAN YOURSELF UP, WE HAVE AN ENTIRE CHAPTER TO GET THROUGH.

CREEPER CARDINAL: *ATTACKS ALLEN WITH (OF COURSE) TENTACLES, THAT ARE FEATHERED FOR A TWIST*

ALLEN: *WHAT COULD REALLY BE INTERPRETED AS EITHER A CRY OF AGONY OR ORGASM*

LINK: CARDINAL? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CREEPER CARDINAL: _*MAKES MORE FEATHERS APPEAR*_

ALLEN: UWAAAAAAH (NO REALLY, THIS IS CANONICALLY HOW HE SCREAMS)

LINK: IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?

CREEPER CARDINAL: ***EVEN MORE FEATHER TENTACLES!***

ALLEN: THE PAAAAAAIN!

LINK: WHAT'S GOING ON? SHOULD I DO SOMETHING?

ALLEN: GOD DAMN IT HELP ME!

LINK: JUST GIVE ME A COUPLE MORE PANELS OF STARING AT THIS IN HORROR. THE CAMERA LOVES ME.

ALLEN: AAAAAAUGH!

LINK: ALRIGHT, I'M GOOD. UNHAND MY CHARGE! *ATTACKS*

CREEPY CARDINAL: *PWNS*

LINK: *IS PWN'D*

ALLEN: REALLY?

LINK: *BEFEATHERED TENTACLES EXPLODE FROM EYES. AW YIS, THIS IS THE BODY HORROR WE LOVE YOU FOR HOSHINIO* AUGH THE PAIN!

ALLEN: SEE? GOD YOU SUCK.

CREEPER CARDINAL: _-ACTUAL LINE-_BE A GOOD BOY. I DON'T WANT LEVERRIER TO NOTICE YET, YOU SEE.

LINK: I-I NEED AN ADULT.

CREEPER CARDINAL: I AM AN ADULT. RELAX. HAS LINK BEEN A NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY BOY?

ME: THERE IS NO WAY THAT THIS GUY HAS NOT MOLESTED EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER IN THIS MANGA. CANON. I AM CALLING IT.

CREEPER CARDINAL: YOU WON'T EVEN REMEMBER ANY OF THE THINGS I DID TO YOU ONCE YOU WAKE UP~

LINK: MY VIRTUE *CRIES*

CREEPER CARDINAL: GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE, AND MAY A FLIGHT OF ANGELS-

CROWN CLOWN: *HEAD SHOT!*

ALLEN: *TURNS INTO- OH SWEET JESUS NO! NO NO NO! NO MORE OF THIS! I AM TIRED OF THE RANDOM TRANSFORMATIONS BECAUSE YOU ARE TIRED OF DRAWING YOUR OWN CHARACTERS, HOSHINO! PLEASE LET IT DIE WITH ALMA! PLEASE!*

CREEPER CARDINAL: FFFF

ALLEN: _-ACTUAL LINE-_ OH NO, MY VISION WAS BLURRED AND I COULDN'T MOVE TOO WELL, I THOUGHT LINK WAS GOING TO BE KILLED… SO I… *GASP* _MURDERED HIM._

ME: THANK YOU FOR THAT EXPOSITION, ALLEN. WE THE READERS COULD NOT HAVE POSSIBLY UNDERSTOOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED WITHOUT THAT. YOUR SHOCK AND MORAL DILEMMA WOULD SIMPLY BE BEYOND OUR UNDERSTANDING WITHOUT YOU BLATANTLY STATING IT FOR US.

HOSHINO: *STILL CANNOT DECIDE IF SHE THINKS THAT WE ARE GENIUSES OR UTTER MORONS*

CREEPY CARDINAL: *SHAKES IT OFF*

ALLEN: WELL THAT MORAL ISSUE WAS SHORT LIVED. YAY! ALSO, BUH-WHA?

CREEPY CARDINAL: MERELY A FLESH WOUND.

ALLEN: *EYE EXPLODES*

CREEPY CARDINAL: _–AGAIN, ACTUAL LINE-_YOU REALLY GREW UP TO BECOME A BEAUTIFUL EXORCIST, ALLEN. *GENTLY CUPS CHEEK*

~IT IS ON THIS PAGE THAT I REALIZE I AM READING A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MANGA. AGAIN. WHAT IS THIS EVEN~

CREEPY CARDINAL: _-AGAIN, **ACTUAL FREAKING LINE**-_YOU DON'T NEED TO BE AFRAID. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BECOME ONE WITH ME.

(GUYS… I COULD NOT WRITE THIS MYSELF. I COULD NOT MAKE THIS UP. I MIGHT AS WELL JUST PUT AN ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT FOR THIS CHAPTER HERE, THERE WOULD BE VERY LITTLE DIFFERENCE.)

_~FLASHBACK TO- CROSS! OH MY GOD, MOTHER FUCKING CROSS! HOSHINO REMEMBERED YOU! WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED, OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO EXCI-~_

CROSS: YOU SHOULD ALL GO BUY THE NEW REVERSE NOVEL, TO MAKE THIS LINE MAKE SENSE *IS SHOT IN THE HEAD*

_~… LAME. **LAME**. HOSHINO YOU LITTLE COCKTEASE. FINE, BACK TO THE PRESENT THEN~_

THERE IS ANOTHER PAGE OF ALLEN'S O-FACE, CREEPY CARDINAL'S BADTOUCH, AND OF COURSE _FEATHERS._AND SO AS 2010 WAS THE YEAR OF THE FLOWERS, SO 2011 SHALL BE THE YEAR OF THE FEATHERS. I LIKE TO EXPLAIN THIS ARC BY ASSUMING THAT HOSHINO JUST DECIDED SHE WANTED TO DRAW THOSE THINGS AND TRIED TO BUILD THE STORY AROUND THAT PREMISE.

ROAD'S DOOR: *APPEARS*

CREEPY CARDINAL: WHAT?

TEASE: *FLY OUT*

CREEPY CARDINAL: OH HELL NO.

_~FULL PAGE SPREAD OF AWESOME~_

TYKI: OH HELL YES! *EXPLODES THINGS, DESTROYS THE CREEPY CARDINAL, IS GENERALLY THE EPITOME OF THE TROPE 'VILLAINOUS RESCUE'. YES, I DID JUST TROPETRAP YOU, SUCK IT*

CREEPY CARDINAL: *HAS AN ASS SHOT*

ME: **GOD DAMN IT HOSHINO.**YOU KNOW THAT NONE OF US WANTED THAT!

TYKI: *GETS HIS RAEP FACE ON, BEHIND FOREGROUND SHOT OF THE LITERAL CREEPY ASS. HOSHINO, I AM SENSING AN UNHEALTHY FIXATION HERE* AFTER 7000 YEARS, FINALLY-

ROAD: STFU TYKI. LESS TALKING, MORE BADTOUCHING *PROCEEDS TO BE THE CUTEST DAMN THING EVER*

EVERYONE: *PREPARES FOR HER TO DO SOMETHING ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE SO THAT THE UNIVERSE WILL REMAIN IN BALANCE*

ALLEN: *TRAUMATIZED IN CORNER, IS EVEN MORE OF A MOE BLOB THAN BEFORE*

ROAD: *GLOMPS~*

ALLEN: … I GIVE UP. ON EVERYTHING. HOSHINO WINS, I AM FINALLY BROKEN.

ROAD: THAT MEANS WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED!

ALLEN: *NUMBLY* SURE. I DON'T… SURE.

TYKI: *CLEARLY JEALOUS THAT HE DOES NOT GET TO PARTAKE IN THE BADTOUCH*

ME: I'M KIND OF STUMPED. ROAD ISN'T DOING ANYTHING TERRIBLE.

ROAD: YOU THINK? TWO WORDS: SHIP WARS.

ME: _FIEND._

CREEPY CARDINAL: *REVIVES, ASS FIRST, MAKING THREE ASS SHOTS OF HIM IN THIS CHAPTER. THAT IS FIVE MORE THAN THE RECOMMENDED NEGATIVE TWO ASS SHOTS OF CARDINALS PER CHAPTER*

ALLEN: *WHEEZE*

TYKI: ALLOW ME TO TAKE OVER ROAD'S ROLE AS EXPOSITION QUEEN *TOSSES HAIR* THIS IS AN INDEPENDENT INNOCENCE, WHICH EXISTS SOLELY TO PROTECT THE "HEART," AND TO USHER IN A NEW WAVE OF MARY SUES IN THE PROUD TRADITION OF SHITTY OCS SHOVED INTO THE DGM FANFICS. HAVE AT IT, FANDOM.

ROAD: *GROPES ALLEN IN BACKGROUND*

ALLEN: I AM CALLING CHILD SERVICES ON YOU.

TYKI: GUYS I AM TRYING TO EXPLAIN A PLOT POINT HERE. ALL LOLICOUGARS ARE TO KEEP THEIR HANDS TO THEMSELVES.

ROAD: *POUT*

ALLEN: I HAVE A QUESTION. A ROGUE INNOCENCE SNUCK INTO MY CELL, THE GUARDS HAD THEIR EYES FEATHER-FUCKED, AND NOW THERE ARE TWO NOAH IN HERE BLOWING SHIT UP. WHERE THE _HELL IS MY BACKUP?_

CREEPY CARDINAL: THERE WERE SOME BUDGET CUTS.

ALLEN: SERIOUSLY, EVEN AFTER ALL THE CASUALTIES LAST TIME A NOAH STROLLED IN HERE, THIS IS OUR SECURITY? THE ORDER IS FUCKING ASKING FOR IT AT THIS POINT.

CREEPY CARDINAL: **SILENCE!***TRANSFORMS INTO… THE LOVECHILD OF FALLEN!SUMAN AND A LEVEL FOUR AKUMA. I CAN THINK OF NO OTHER WAY TO DESCRIBE THIS THING*

ALLEN: … I'M GOING BACK TO GIVING UP ON EVERYTHING AGAIN.

ROAD: HUZZAH!

_END._

* * *

Rating: 9. Holy shit things are getting epic. Though I am tempted to subtract a point for all the Apo-ass shots. _8.5_.


	17. Chapter 205

Heeeey guys. As you probably figured out, I have ceased giving a fuck about DGM. I stopped reading this beautiful trainwreck of a manga completely around chapter 215. So logically that should mean that it's time for Capslock DGM to die for good, right? Well, yes, except I had still sporadically been writing these up until around Chapter 214. I just hadn't uploaded them yet because there are missing chapters in-between. For example, I've had 205 written out since way back when the scanlation came out, but never got to putting it up because I couldn't make myself sit down and write 204.

And... I still haven't been able to make myself fill in the missing chapters. BUT I figured it was time to give up on believing I would ever get around to doing that and get some closure on this thing, so what I'm going to do is upload all of the chapters that I did get around to writing before I completely lost interest. I think there's like four more after this, and there will be missing chapters in-between them. Sorry for that, but I hope you can still enjoy what I put up.

CHAPTER 205

WOO, THE ISSUE STARTS WITH A COLOR PAGE THAT HAS EVERYONE LOOKIN' SMOKING HOT IN SUITS. MIRANDA LOOKS AS SURPRISED TO BE THERE AS I AM TO SEE HER THERE, BUT PLEASANTLY SO. LAVI'S HAIR MAKES ME WANT TO ATTACK HIM WITH A BRUSH, BUT AT LEAST HE ISN'T DYING FROM BEING FIDDLED.

KANDA: FIRST PLACE. HELL TO THE YES.

ALLEN: WELL SEEING AS YOU'RE DEAD I THINK YOU'RE PROBABLY DISQUALIFIED. HONOR GOES TO ME THEN.

KANDA: _FUCK YOU._

THE CHAPTER BEGINS WITH… LENALEE?! REALLY? YES! THE CHAPTER STARTS WITH LENALEE, FLYING THROUGH THE AIR ALL DETERMINED LIKE SHE DO.

LENALEE: ALLEN WOULD NEVER JUST RUN AWAY LIKE THAT, I HAVE TO BRING HIM BACK, THE NOAH MUST HAVE— WAIT, AM I REALLY GETTING SCREEN TIME?

HOSHINO: ARCH THAT BACK AND PERK DAT ASS, YOU ARE WORKING THEM SHORTS FOR EVERY PANEL I GIVE YOU.

LENALEE: *SIGH*

_~BACK AT THE ORDER~_

KOMUI: EVERYONE GO GRAB ALLEN AND DRAG HIS SORRY ASS BACK HERE, IGNORE THE OTHER NOAH. UNLESS THEY, YOU KNOW, TRY TO KILL YOU- OKAY MAYBE THAT WAS TERRIBLE ADVICE, NEVER MIND.

VARIOUS ORDER PERSONEL: SO ALLEN RAN OFF WITH THE NOAH. THAT IS PRETTY DAMNING.

DREADLOCKS: NO, HE'S NOT LIKE THAT!

VARIOUS ORDER PERSONEL: MUTTER MUTTER DAMN KID MUTTER!

JOHNNY: *HEARTBROKEN FOREVER*

LEVERRIER: LINK, REPORT!

CREEPY CARDINAL: *BLOODY HAND, EXITING CELL*

LEVERRIER: HOWARD LINK, YOU REPORT IN RIGHT NOW OR I AM WRITING YOU UP.

LINK: *GIANT GAPING HOLE IN CHEST*

LEVERRIER: GET UP YOU SLACKER.

ZHU: HE LOOKS KIND OF DEAD.

LEVERRIER: …

ZHU: NEVER MIND, JUST A FLESH WOUND, HE IS TOTALLY STILL BREATHING.

LEVERRIER: *TRYING SO HARD NOT TO HAVE AN EMOTION, LOOKS VAGUELY CONSTIPATED* *SLAMS DOOR SHUT* EVERYONE GTFO.

GUARD: WTF?

LEVERRIER: LINK IS DEAD, GET OUT. I AM MOTHERFUCKING VATICAN HITLER, DON'T PUSH ME.

RENEE: SO UM, THAT THING THAT FUCKED HIM UP… I DON'T SUPPOSE IT'S…

LEVERRIER: THAT THING, YEAH.

RENEE: RIGHT, THAT.

LEVERRIER: I DO HOPE WE'RE BEING VAGUE ENOUGH. NOW GET OUT.

ZHU: SO ABOUT YOU BEING A DOUCHEBAG TOTALLY OKAY WITH SLAUGHTERING CHILDREN—

LEVERRIER: *GETS DOWN ON HANDS AND KNEES* PLEASE SAVE LINK!

ZHU: OH. WELL NOW I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE.

LEVERRIER: IT WILL PROBABLY CAUSE YOU HARM, BUT YOU KNOW, YOU'RE OLD.

ZHU: RIGHT. GOING TO DIE SOON ANYWAY, I GET IT.

LEVERRIER: I NEED LINK TO SAVE ALLEN AND THE 14TH!

ZHU: YOU'RE NOT PLANNING TO—

_~ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE. EXPLAINING THINGS IS FOR PEOPLE LESS AWESOME THAN HOSHINO~_

ALLEN: WHY IS ROAD STILL OUT?

TYKI: NO IDEA. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THAT APOCRYPHOS GUY DOESN'T SUCK LIKE YOU AND CAN ACTUALLY CAUSE DAMAGE.

ROAD: *THINKING* MAYBE IF I PRETEND TO BE OUT I'LL BE ABLE TO COP A FEEL AGAIN.

TYKI: ANYWAY HERE *THROWS ROAD AT ALLEN*

ROAD: SUCCESS!

TYKI: NOW WE JUST HAVE TO CALL THE EARL TO GET US AND—

ALLEN: ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

TYKI: WHAT?

ALLEN: **I'M AN EXORCIST.** WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK I'M GOING TO WAIT HERE FOR THE EARL TO COME KIDNAP ME?!

ARM: *SPAZZES OUT*

ALLEN: FFFFF!

TYKI: WELP I'LL JUST CUT THAT OFF FOR YOU.

ALLEN: LIKE _HELL_.

TYKI: I DON'T SEE WHY YOU'RE BEING SO DIFFICULT. JUST LET ME TEAR YOUR ARM OFF AND CALL THE EARL TO COME PICK US UP. WE'RE FRIENDS, RIGHT?

ALLEN: _YOU ARE A GOD DAMN NOAH!_ YOU KILL PEOPLE FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES, YOU ARE TERRIBLE!

TYKI: I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?

ALLEN: OUCH.

_~ELSEWHERE~_

MARI: WE ARE BEING ATTACKED **AGAIN.**

SOKARO: WTF IS THIS SHIT? FIRE SEALS? FIRE SEALS CANNOT CONTAIN THE SOKARO! **SOKARO EATS FIRE SEALS FOR BREAKFAST.**

KOMUI: OSHIT. SO THAT'S WHERE THE THIRDS WENT. AWESOME.

_~BACK TO TYKI AND ALLEN'S MARITAL SQUABBLE* _

TYKI: LOOK I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE WE EVER TALK ANYMORE— WHAT WAS THAT?

CREEPY CARDINAL: U READY TO GET WALLED AGIN?

TYKI: MEEP.

ALLEN: THERE IS SOME POETIC JUSTICE IN THIS.

TYKI: YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE, DON'T BE MY POKER BUDDY. I'LL JUST _GO_ THEN. :C

ALLEN: K. I'LL STAY HERE AND ANGST FOR A BIT.

ROAD: WELL NOW THAT WE'RE ALONE, LEMME JUST BLOW YOUR MIND REAL FAST: NEAH FOUGHT FOR MANA AND TOLD HIM TO KEEP WALKING.

ALLEN: WHA—

ROAD: BIBI *DISAPPEARS*

ALLEN: GDI. TIME FOR SOME HEROIC BSOD.

TIM: _GET OVER IT._

ALLEN: K ALL BETTER. CAN YOU SHRINK OR SOMETHING?

TIM: _I AM THE ALMIGHTY. I CAN DO ANYTHING. _*SHRINKS*

ALLEN: YOU ARE REALLY WEIRD.

TIM: _FEAR ME, MORTAL._

ALLEN: WELL OFF WE GO THEN—

LENALEE: ALLEN!

ALLEN: LENALEE!

LENALEE: *PANTING* WOW, I… ACTUALLY… CAUGHT YOU.

ALLEN: HOSHINO TOOK YOU OFF THE BUS?

LENALEE: FOR NOW, BUT I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME! THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY NOT-PANTYSHOTS I CAN POSE FOR!

ALLEN: WAIT— THOSE HAPPEN NOW?

LENALEE: IT'S THE ONLY REASON SHE'S LETTING ME OUT!

ALLEN: HOW… HORRIBLE… *EDGING AROUND FOR A BETTER LOOK*

LENALEE: NOW THEN, JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU'RE GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE!

ALLEN: I KNOW.

LENALEE: IF YOU LEAVE, WE'LL HAVE TO FIGHT!

ALLEN: YUP.

LENALEE: YOU KNOW I AM GETTING A LITTLE TRAUMATIZED HERE FROM LOSING EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME ONE BY ONE, YOU COULD PRETEND TO GIVE A DAMN—

ALLEN: *HUG*

LENALEE: O_O

ALLEN: NO WORRIES BB, I'LL ALWAYS BE AN EXORCIST, THAT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE.

LENALEE: *CRYING* ALLEN—

HOSHINO: NOT ENOUGH FANSERVICE.

LENALEE: GDI *SKIRT FLIP*

HOSHINO: GEWD, GEWD. YOU GET ONE MORE PAGE.

ALLEN: I LOVE YOU—

LENALEE: HASKJDASD—

ALLEN: AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ORDER.

LENALEE: OH. YES. OF COURSE. THAT IS WHAT I THOUGHT YOU MEANT.

HOSHINO: ~_THEY SEE ME TROLLIN', THEY HATIN'_~

ME: YOU OR THE TRANSLATOR OR BOTH OF YOU ARE TERRIBLE.

ALLEN: THE ORDER WILL ALWAYS BE MY TRUE HOME *BRUSHES AWAY TEARS* BUT NOW I'M PEACING OUT.

LENALEE: WAIT—

ALLEN: *GONE*

LENALEE: DAMN IT ALLEN! YOU ARE SERIOUSLY JUST LEAVING ME SOBBING ON THE GROUND IN A RANDOM FOREST?!

ALLEN: THAT IS HOW I ROLL *PUTS ON SUNGLASSES*

ME: OUR HERO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

LENALEE: I AM KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU NEXT TIME I SHOW UP.

_END._


	18. Chapter 209

Y'all. I have the memory and attention span of a goldfish. Just throw something at me if I forget that I decided to update this again.

CHAPTER 209

HOSHINO: HEY, YOU KNOW WHO I BET EVERYONE WANTS TO READ ABOUT? JOHNNY. LET'S HAVE AN ENTIRE CHAPTER DEDICATED TO HIM.

EVERYONE: YES, PLEASE, TELL US MORE ABOUT JOHNNY.

THE ABOVE EXCHANGE HAS NOT, AND WILL NOT EVER HAPPEN. I'M SURE SOME OF YOU OUT THERE GIVE A DAMN ABOUT JOHNNY, BUT I AM EQUALLY SURE THAT THE MAJORITY OF YOU DO NOT. SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY TELL HOSHINO THIS.

ALSO, REALLY? FIFTEEN PAGES? YOU ARE TURNING OUT LESS WORK FOR A MONTHLY SERIES THAN MOST _WEEKLY_ SERIES PRODUCE. HOSHINO HAD BETTER NOT BE DYING AGAIN.

JOHNNY: IT SURE IS GREAT THAT THE ORDER IS LETTING ME LEAVE LIKE THIS WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING CARTOONISHLY EVIL.

CARTOONISHLY EVIL HENCHMEN: GET IN THE TRAIN.

JOHNNY: SURE THING!

CARTOONISHLY EVIL HENCHMEN: GOOD. NOW DRINK THIS, IT WILL ERASE YOUR MEMORIES OF THE ORDER.

JOHNNY: … REALLY?

CARTOONISHLY EVIL HENCHMEN: YEP.

JOHNNY: THAT'S… A THING WE HAVE? WHY HAS THIS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE?

CARTOONISHLY EVIL HENCHMEN: BECAUSE HOSHINO ONLY RECENTLY BEGAN READING DEATH NOTE AND IT WAS TOO LATE TO MAKE THIS IDEA NOTEBOOK-BASED.

JOHNNY: WELL AT LEAST LET ME HAVE A FLASHBACK BEFORE FORGETTING EVERYTHING.

CARTOONISHLY EVIL HENCHMEN: K.

_~FLASHBACK~_

REEVER: WELL, SEE YA JOHNNY. HERE, HAVE THIS RATTY OLD TIE TO REMEMBER ME BY.

JOHNNY: 8D

REEVER: YEAH IT'S GOOD LUCK, OR SOMETHING. BYE.

HOSHINO: HEY READERS, WANT SOME SHIPTEASE?

READERS: YEAH!

~JOHNNY/CASH OTP~

READERS: … THAT… OH GOD…

HOSHINO: YOU ARE WELCOME.

_~END FLASHBACK~_

JOHNNY: JUST IN CASE ANYONE FORGOT: I AM STILL DEVOTED TO ALLEN. GOING TO BE BY HIS SIDE FOREVER AND EVER.

CARTOONISHLY EVIL HENCHMEN: LOOK JUST DRINK YOUR ROOFIES, YOU'LL BE FINE.

JOHNNY: HOW ABOUT NO? I COULD FORGET ABOUT ALLEN! *SMOKE BOMB*

CARTOONISHLY EVIL HENCHMEN: WTF?!

JOHNNY: SUDDENLY, GAS MASK! *MAKES A RUN FOR IT*

CARTOONISHLY EVIL HENCHMEN: *ARE TOTALLY CROW* BITCH I THINK NOT.

BOOT: *TO FACE*

JOHNNY: WHA…?

KANDA: *IS SUDDENLY HERE TO KICK ASS* GOD I'M AWESOME.

JOHNNY: ARE THEY DEAD?

KANDA: WHO CARES? *PREENS*DID YOU SEE ME TAKE THEM OUT? BAM, JUST LIKE THAT. I AM THE GREATEST.

JOHNNY: UH... YOU'RE KANDA, RIGHT?

KANDA: EXCUSE ME? I AM A MOTHER FUCKING EXORCIST. I FORGET **YOUR** NAME, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

JOHNNY: SORRY, I KIND OF FORGET EVERYONE NOT-ALLEN.

KANDA: YEAH I GET THAT TOO. SO HEY, LET'S GO ON AN ADVENTURE TO FIND HIM.

JOHNNY: UH… THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING, BUT… WHY DO YOU WANT TO COME?

KANDA: I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY MOTIVATION IS RIGHT NOW.

JOHNNY: YOU REALLY JUST DROPPED BY THE ORDER TO GET YOUR SWORD AND OFFICIALLY MAKE YOURSELF A FUGITIVE?

KANDA: APPARENTLY.

JOHNNY: DID YOU EVEN SEE NOT-ALLEN? OR SAY GOODBYE TO ALSO NOT-ALLEN?

KANDA: HUH? OH, NAH, TIEDOLL CAN DEAL. LENALEE WILL UNDERSTAND.

JOHNNY: KIND OF A LICK THEIR HAND AND LEAVE THEM KIND OF GUY I SEE.

KANDA: STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE YOU'RE PEOPLE.

_END._

Rating: 4? This was kind of a nothing of a chapter. Kanda preening was the only thing of real value.


End file.
